Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
had a deceptively fulfilling day today
don't ask me why deceptive..i just suspect that in actual fact it isn't a fulfilling day but i sorta like feel it is a fulfilling day but who defines 'in actual fact' anyway........
and so it all gets rather complicated after that..
anyway my mood these days are of a gayness extrinsic to the usual minli.
really.........i remember
life used to be barathrum for me and to a certain extent life still is..sometimes when i fight with yu or when they get all anal with me or when i feel porcine and insignificant and all..then yeahh life calls to mind pictures of burning wheels and tantalus-like torture and the black oblivion begins to beckon...
yet these days somehow it all doesn't seem to get to me that badly anymore
maybe it's the improvement in relations between me and yu
maybe it's the general wellbeing of that elusive butterfly that is my life
i really don't know but i'll just try to sort of appreciate the respite depression offers and not embitter myself thinking about how life might go back to being a bitch again.
~squeals!~ anywayyyyy i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait!
ahmad and chiam's band's just sooooo cool! i've alllllllwwwwwaaaayyyss wanna be the lead singer of a band and now maybe..just maybe i'd have the chance..
i've gotta learn the song though..blink 182's damn it..i'm so so so excited..
skitterish and startlish and sillyish...and everythingggggg...arh arh arhhh:)
i carried this really disgusting primary school-ish bag to school today and it made me feel so studious! it's really funny how i've changed this past two years
i used to carry nothign but backpacks to school but since jc it's been funny funky 'stylish' (or so roy says) bags that really don't serve any purpose except to add to my image of a rebel ( or so keatloon says)
haha and when i finally decide to carry a decent school bag-ish school bag to school i get people telling me that it's so not....
me.
oh well i think so too:)
but it has been a funny day todayyy with my so-not-minli bag..heh.
oksiepoksie ( <--- say that out loud! hah it sounds nice)
self training today was a reeeeaaaalllly hilarious affair!
hahah don't know what got into us..wonder whether it was the stupid
spur-of-the-moment hwa chong coach imitaion of mine that tickled us all
i sort of regret that silly move i made...
hahaha i seriously looked like a monkey okie
(because i was imitating the hwachong coach and she bloody hell looks like a monkey damn it! and yeahhh...it's a SHE!)
hehh but it was one of those nincompoop moods i lapse into occasionally.....
okie....maybe more frequent than just mere occasionalllyyy ~hrumph~
i have been getting fatter and fatter..really it's like i gorged myself during the weekend
saturday was spent eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping and eating and sleeping again...my lifestyle totally resembled a pig..argh
and i find that it's useless to go on a diet because i simply just like to eat..
but whatever i have given up totally! and it's a load off my chest
all those nicknames and cruel bitching out there....go....erm.....
smell yur own nose or something! shoo don't bother me no more...
arrrhhhhh ~grrrrrrrrrwwww~ hahah just felt like emitting a purr and squeal of *
i don't know what it is i'm feeling right now so i'm just gonna call it *
hard to pin it down and i'm just too tired to try now....
oh before i forget!
minli's current pet word! + pook! +
POOKIES POOK for thought:)
+ minli needs new wardrobe and accessories
+ and new shoes too! le coaq sportif! slippers! heeren!
+ do yu know that the word 'tantalise' came from the greek story of Tantalus being
tortured in Hades, the greek equivalent of Hell?
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
this is really silly but i wish i had long fingernails realllllllyyyyyy long ones
i wanna scratch and gouge out his eyes.
sometimes this is really dumb but i wish i wish and wish so hard that he doesn't exist
then i keep trying to remind myself i shouldn't be like that he's my daddy
i shouldn't be like that...........
i should either kill myself or make him go away
since making him disappear is impossible i should just kill myself..
but i haven't gotten to that point yet..
not yet
so i'm caught in between a rock and a hard place
no matter how i twist or turn i can't push this all away the ugly ugly ugly reality
then i play this funny weird mind game
this doesn't exist i don't exist i'm so happy
i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm pounding this into the keyboard
my head's throbbing to the rhythm of maroon five's this love that just came on p10
only the lyrics are changed...................................
this life has taken its toll on me
they said goodbye too many times before
my heart is breaking in front of me and i have no choice cause i won't say goodbye
for now
yikes. silly minli. i wanna snuggle up in my comforter now and let it do what it was named to do....comfort me...hahahaha at least i haven't lost that ability to laugh at myself...
cookies for thoughts! : there's a new nestle cornflakes flavour! choc chip cookies!
| also do yu know that if yur heart skips two beats yu'd die?
these chicks don't even know the name of my band
but they all know me like they wanna hold hands
cause once i blow they know that i be the man
all because i am the lead singer of my band
my band my band my band
we won!~smashed them to smithereens like i said we would!
on the other hand i sucked. i played so badly mr tan screamed at me it's like the first time he ever lost his temper so bad with me so i must have sucked.
don't know why he didn't take me out then.
i felt as if i could help the team better being benched
anyway it isn't a great day today so i shan't say more
i'm feeling more and more a failure no matter how hard i try to fight it.
i am very very worried don't want to get back into the disgusting mood that i was in just a while ago but nothing seems to make me feel happy
because of yu my parents have been giving me hell
i'm breaking out i'm fat
i'm behind in my studies and worse still
my basketball sucks so tell me what do i have going on for me?
friends? have yu ever been in a position where all the people around yu are just so perfect (even if they aren't they are all very close to it) that yu really find that there is nothing....NOTHING to keep yu interested in living anymore?
have yu ever had to deal with hating yurself when yu see yurself in the mirror and hating the person that yu are and hating yurself for not doing things that yu should have done?
i know that there is always something yu can do to help yurself hell i've heard so much of those talk till i know what i should do so solve my problems but somebody tell me WHAT IS THE POINT?
WHAT IS THE POINT?
okie this is getting too personal this is getting away from fiction and it's becoming more fact than anything else.
flipping through her world the beautiful people beautiful everything makes me feel like laughing laughing at the absurdity of the contradiction that is quinessentially all me..
oh dear..
only highs of the day:
had a good conversation / had company on my way home
Monday, April 19, 2004
Monday, April 19, 2004
okie dressed the disgusting wound on my wrist it is really tedious cleaning the white, pus-emitting patch of fleshwhere once ago used to be smooth flawless skin. god i really hope this heals real soon i'll either go mad from the constant flash of pain i get everytime i even remotely move my wirst or the horrendous task of cleaning the bloody wound everysingle day.
let's gross myself out describing my wound cleaning process
first i remove the bandage and use a wet cotton bud to slowly wipe away all the pus and dirt that accumalated throughout the day
then i'll dip another cotton bud into this anti-bacterial washing solution the doctor prescribed and wash the 'white piece of chicken' as dawn very aptly calls the wound.
washing is tough i force myself to scrape the flesh it's horrible but the doctor says if i don't scrape i can't get the dirt out so scrape scrape scrape i just ignore the burning sensation
then when i've scrape enough or rather when i can't stand it anymore i give myself a break and daub the 'whitepiece of chicken' dry with another cotton bud
then using yet another cotton bud i smear the oily supposedly antiseptic healing cream that the doctor prescribed onto my wound like the bloody wash it bloody burns and it is supposed to be good so i grit my teeth and go ahead anyway
finally i cover the ugly sight with this nice white comfy flexi bandage.....
it's finally done the entire horrid cleaning process which requires 4 cotton buds to achieve arhh i really hope it heals soon sometimes i imagine myself to be brave orchid in the woman warrior concentrating all my healing energies to my wrist...
aight aight enough said i should go sleep and wake up early to do my work.
just got home from a totally useless day in school
i'd better list down all the work i have to complete tonight
*math tutorial/ rem/ lecture notes
*plan my entire two months of catching up
*lit hard times if i able
anyway something good happened today to make me feel better
firstly sorted out that thing with ~ it's not like i cared very much anyway but i'm glad i forgave and actively made the first move by inviting them to play bball so that ~ came to explain and apologise..it's sorta like i get labelled "tank" "big" and stuff till i'm quite numbed. no they still affect me alot but i expect it coming from them..it doesn't help me feel better but at least there's some comfort in the fact that i expect it coming..sad life isn't it. *sticks out lower lip* (heh whatever i'm a bimbo. erm without the looks......but doesn't that make me just plain dumb then?hahahahahahaha)
| i'm digressing but that's what i always do anyway..i'm riding on waves and waves of
high today it's all that F P and L B thing awwwww poor zhi studying gets them both
in da groooovey moood.... |
got rid of my betrayed feelings and mended my bruised heart when * explained things today..deep down inside i knew it was something said in a moment's fit of anger and irritation. but i really don't care what it was all about..what truly matters to me was that we cleared the smoke and aired our feelings cause i guess that's how good friends are it's like we know no matter how we might disagree the importance we place on friendship outweighs everything else:)
damn am i happy today....
now if i just do some work before i sleep then my day would be realllly perfect and complete.
besides that talked to yu just now without fighting much so that was a major plus point to a perfect day yay.
update later gonna bathe now.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Sunday, April 18, 2004
played vjc on sat
could have killed myself for that. we lost and with that loss threw away our pride our dignity our reputation and basically just everything. i played like SHIT
basketball depresses me i ain't gonna talk about it all that remains is revenge. we'll smash nyjc to smithereens come wednesday.
after the loss the four of us *memories memories* went for some comfort eating. i dind't feel comforted at all which just totally sucked cause there just goes my one whole week of eating healthy. tracy says my diet ain't a diet if i eat even a little. think from now onwards i'd cut down to only one meal a day which means fluids the entire day and dinner of vegetable soup. told mummy already about my dinner menu for the entire week. she's reluctant to help but i forced her into it. besides i have no more money anyway so i should save
slept my entire sunday away there's loadsa work i haven't done gotta list them down maybe i'll sleep early tonight and wake up early tom morning to get them done
math tutorial/ complex no / math trigo rem
lit hardtimes
find out from azi tom about hist work so far and from manda econs work
manda's right i would turn up for lessons every single day from now onwards and i'd better pay attention instead of sleeping through them if i'm good at the end of this entire week i'd reward myself or something
anyway fell down on friday during training and accquired a abrasion that's equivilent of a first degree burn i'm scarred for life. whatever larh i've done enough damage harping on it already
one last thing that i've just gotta get out of me:
i really don't know how to feel about this all hearing what she said about me and all when i thought she's such a good friend. part of me want pass it off as just..i don't know...something fired in a moment's fit of anger. but what type of friend can she be when instead of trying to understand swears at me instead? it might have been all my fault i don't know but it hurts to know that's what she did
i wish zhi had not told us about it after the bloody match it added headache to headache and i'm just helpless because i don't know how to deal with it anymore. besides that i am pretty sure she called up - to bitch about the entire thing because - appeared to know about the whole thing even though she wasn't present during training.
something tells me i should just forget it all there are other things more impt but i don'tthink i can it is like i just lost a really good friend and that hurts in a helpless confused betrayed sort of wayy.....
Friday, April 16, 2004
Friday, April 16, 2004
yu left a stain
on every one of my
good days.
let me feel soporific soon.
fwah.
liar liar pants on fire. liar liar then my nose catches fire.
in reality math remedial ain't going my way i'm still stuck on question 5 of the trigo math rem sheet
lessons were pure hell they were anything from hailstorms to hot sun rather than breezes and all the class ever displayed was an overall falling-alseep barely-there always-hungry mood with the exception of a few attentive brilliant minds ( amongst which mine was not included of course)
lectures were totally boring! the economics lecturer was especially phenomonal..literally oozing with GERMS and SNEEZES
in addition to this all i shocked myself with my low standard of discipline and self control by consuming a horrendously ridiculously huge amount of food (refer to previous entries) the entire day : a nightmare came true :(
shitty shitty screwed-up day i am porcine.
there's more introspection for today but somehow i feel as if this all have to stop somewhere before the insomnia worsens for tonight.
it's a chore tediously recording the mundane happenings of a screwedup badly written storybook that is my life so i'll just write about something else....
it was a wonderful beautiful happy day today
had math remedial in the morning ms lui praised me for my hardwork in completing that entire trigo remedial sheet and ace-ing every single question
lessons were just pure heaven they were a breeze the overall mood of the class was that of an attentive, awake, responsive and lovely symphony of brilliant minds ( my mind included..of course)
lectures were totally reviving! the economics lecturer was especially phenomonal...literally oozing with knowledge and what-not
in addition to this all i shocked myself with my high standard of discipline and self-control by consuming only 2 servings of cabbage the entire day :a miracle came true:)
lovely lovely perfect day i am content.
things i ate today:
half a homemade sandwich | veggies tofu chicken minus skin from the yongtaofu stall as usual | fruits | coke light | half a packet of raisins | handful of cereal
seriously..how in the heavens can i still bear to ask myself why i am fat
look at the amount of food i consume like a hog a pig a hog a pig a hog a pig
obesity's just around the cornerrrrrrrrrrrr.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Thursday, April 15, 2004
this is just purely out of curiosity:)
who reads minli's blog?leave a msg in my guestbook alright?
i know it's silly but i sometimes just wonder...can't help it..haha it's the butterfly in me i guess..
played srjc today watched hcjc vs mi and vjc vs nyjc today at clementi sportshall won the sr match next match on sat we have to win them vjc pleurgh i'm so tired accquired three fouls today not ten minutes into the sr game wonder about the credibility of those referees but it doesn't matter played for more than three quarters after the three fouls without fouling anymore so that's good
oh dear i ate a lot today had an uncle toby fruit salad bar and cabbage and tofu and chicken minus the fried oily skin before the match today. then had lemon-lime juice after the match and oh dear sinful..1/2 a crunch bar!!dinner was cabbage and tofu soup..and more veggies. oh yeah i ate loadsa fruits today before and after the match and after dinner. yeah.
haha that was a factual facet of my life and it really sorta sucked.
see now why my blog is reality and imagination fruitjuice?
it'll just flop if it recorded mylife. because i have
such.a.dreary.life:( sleepy me. gonna go fly into butterfly dreams again.
goodnight my invisible readers
goodnight minli!
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
i haven't blogged as in really blogged in exactly two weeks.wonder how i survived this feels weird because so much has happened these two weeks that it's kinda hard to get yur bearings back.
i think blogging is healthy. it makes me step away from things and retreat into my private little creative space
sort of like a woman warrior like in mr prince's lecture on ghosts today.
here where reality and my imagination meets and merges till an invisible line divides them both i think i've found an outlet for my 'voice' this other side of me that i haven't discovered in all my turbulent seventeen years
the desire to tell stories
to be able to use my command of language to somehow prove myself right that i can write! i can keep people interested in what i write. i CAN keep people interested in me.
this desire to be interesting the desire for attention
sadly is satisfied by a blog a space where i can finally 'talk' without interruptions without condescending stares without fearing that i irritate someone who just bloody hell happens to be in a bad mood without offending anyone without displeasing anyone without having to face other people's cutting comments without hurting anyone who means so much to me (like yu)
the irony of it all : no one reads this except me. don't get me wrong i'm not complaining about the lack of readership.hell i WANT it private but really i find myself pathetic
pathetic
pathetic because
assuming my blog means all of the above to me it starts to sneakily creep on me.....
the fact that i might be so attention-starved, suppressed-too-long, and tired-of-caring-about-other-people that i actually pretend that i'm blogging for a bloody someone to read when i don't actually want someone to read.............
which also means i'm trying to keep a non-existing someone to be interested in me
which again leads to the sneaky suspicion that i might be even trying to keep
myself interested in me...oh dear
this IS tricky.
this confuses me..it's crystal clear in my mind
but messy and..what's that word? AMBIVALENT...yes..when i put it to blog
aightaight banish these random thoughts i'll revert to mindless intellectlessness blogging that is characteristic of any blog yu happen to stumble across.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
if yu're reading this...yu should know how i feel towards my blog. sirrius
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
oomph boy i have a really boring blog. there's nothing interesting no nice pictures no pretty quotes no anything basically and my writing's crap but no one but me reads this so why do i bother..but stillll...it's fun pretending i'm writing, or rather typing and html-ing for someone.
aight restrain those self-pity tendencies
had a normal day today was so tired went trhough my day in a daze suspended between awake and asleep but i did something so pretty today for tomorrow that i just can't wait for tomorrow to come so it wouldn't be a secret anymore:)
i ate alot todayARGHbetter take a stockcheck on the damage done
/sandwich
/veggies 2 servings
/1 whole apple 1 slice papaya 1 slice pineapple 1/2 kiwi
/wheat and cheese crackers 1/2 packet (malay stall auntie stole the rest)
/corn bran from quakers er..a bit they ate the rest.
/dinner: veggies 1 serving. yam thing mummy cooked 2 tablespoons worth. 1 pear
okie that's the horrendous amount of food i consumed today. DAMN
but i guess i have to. we're playing pjc tomorrow. if everything goes according to plan by this time tommorrow they'll be crying still from being beaten by rjc with a score of 100 - 5...*sinister laugh* okie better snap outta my fantasies
went to watch polo RJ against HC today i feel like i'm jinx-ing them..the two times that i went down to watch, they lost both times...i feel so horrible..and i feel so sad for kerby because i know there's nothing anyone can say or do to make yu feel less bad about a lost match and it's ten times as worse when yu're the captain cause there's the added burden of feeling as if yu failed in leading the team and bringing them on to greater height. there's only one word for all those messed up emotions BLEURGH
so i left immediately after while the other girls went to their respective partners *cheeky grin*
somehow watching these matches would always make me worry about bball. worry that it might happen to us too: facing a lost match..
eek i'm not gonna think about it i'm not gonna think about it
let each and everyone of us play like michael jordan tomorrow!!!please
.........
okie on second thoughts that's just asking for the impossible.......
(modified plea) let us not make too much mistakes tomorrow please!
oh did i also mention my room has undergone a few wonderful changes!i'm so pleased with my 'new' re-vamped room with my own studies shelves, display shelves increased storage space and my new pretty dressing table!arh arh arh it also doubles up as a bag storage area and postcard collection storage area....pretty pretty pretty pretty
i'm just waiting for a pretty night light and a full length mirror to complete the whole look.......and of course more accessories and cosmetics to grace my dresser
and of course more bags to fill my storage table and while i'm at it might as well mention more shoes and more clothes and more everything
however, there's still this tricky problem i face: i still need to repack some other areas of my room and put some other finishing touches about the room before i can declare my room 'perfect'.
oh well i still like my room's new look it's really pretty:) so nevermind
i'm still trying to sleep it's the third day already i have barely four hours of sleep for the past two days if i don't sleep tonight i'm afraid i might pass out during the game tommorrow..help help i'm desperate
tried reading tarling tried reading math notes nothing works i'm just in this stoned mode i do things without really doing them..ack difficult to explain.
okie things i should do later before trying to sleep:
-call the j1s + gek abt match and their photocopied ic
-call luyi
-iron my uniform cause my mummy's refusing to do so in a fit of spite
-check what homework i have
sheesh. notice i said "check" what homework in stead of "do" yur homework?
seriously i already subconsciously decided not to do them work so i shan't bother checking
by the way i failed math common test. AGAIN. i haven't passed one as in A level pass one in my two years in rj. but i scored E for econ common test though! hahah without even remotely studying..
i was so pleasantly pleased and sweetly surprised when renji proclaimed ' E larh yu got E larh who say fail!?' during math lect today
oooh okie should go do my before-sleep grooming thing and then lie in bed pretending to sleep when i so obviously
cannot.
I went out to the hazel wood,
Because a fire was in my head,
And cut and peeled a hazel wand,
And hooked a berry to a thread ;
And when white moths were on the wing,
And moth-like stars were flickering out,
I dropped the berry in a stream
And caught a little silver trout.
When i had laid it on the floor
I went to blow the fire aflame,
But something rustled on the floor,
And some girl called me by my name:
It had become a glimmering girl
With apple blossom in her hair
Who called me by my name and ran
And faded through the brightening air.
Though i am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walked among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.
- W.B Yeats, The Song of Wandering Aengus -
gorging on grapes now in front of the com reflecting on my day today and spitting out the grape seeds on tissue. alright going to be boring and just list mechanically the mechanical things i did during my mechanical day
woke up early this morning despite not sleeping the whole of last night
went to school without luyi her mummy wasn't fetching
instead of getting on 93 like i always do i had this impulse to get away to run away and so i hopped on 65 to orchard instead..
feeling like i had embarked on an adventure i smiled, and laid back to rest on the busseat
it was early when i alighted at the somerset mrt busstop
didn't really know where i could go
so i walked and walked
thought about getting breakfast at coffee bean's but guess it wasn't open that early
and so i walked and walked
and when i finally got to fareast
starbucks was open! delighted i popped in for my ususal cafe latte grande with hazelnut syrup yumyum.
discovered this book loaning thing at starbucks so i ended up sitting there and finishing an entire book while sipping my latte
finally instead of shopping like i planned i dragged myself to school argh.
school has this effect of dampening and destroying any good feelings i have about anyone or anything
i'm emotional when i'm there oppressed and i feel inferior all the time
the canteen's filled with filthy trash that's left on the table filthy people with filthy minds filthy thoughts and the filth covers me from head to toe
i become filth too slowly
so i run away!to the library where i blogged(look below!) and met david online:)
haven't talked to him in ages..he made me feel better
so i headed down to the canteen to battle myself again
broke down several times today like i said school has that effect on me
don't know why i go to school anyway
i go there to feel inferior to be made fun of to be termed fat and other lard-related names and i don't know what else
i go there to face helplessness everyday
to cry heartbrokenly as i watch my friends all dash my hopes and expectations with a few words and some actions
talked to manda today she lifted me up and pushed away the gray clouds:)thank yu yu have no idea dear fellow charlize-theron-fan
training was not bad, for the first time in ages.
but poor eunice my heart aches so much to see her cry
why can't baskteball just not resemble life?
then this unfairness wouldn't exist and she'd be in the team like we intended...
like i intended...but seriously i don't care
i've said it before and i'd say it again
the 12 names submitted are just names
as far as i am concerned, there are 13 people in this team of mine.:)
yu go girl eunice
kinda forgot everything after basketball training...i remember talking to sarah though
how i love talking to her
these intelluctual discussions mind boggling debates
i never get the same from others
they don't understand me the way she does
i had hoped that i could at least catch some sleep tonight
guess not...insomnia again
bloody hell.
anyway if there was one thing i could do now i would want to send my love out to those people who care for me and for whom i would give all to see them happy
hope they're sleeping sweet..unlike me.heh
Monday, April 05, 2004
Monday, April 05, 2004
in reality..Brave New World is our spiritual world.
our Great Depression is our lives.
-the fight club
i really can't sleep this is terrible. anyway read my own post that i published justnow. the one with the vulgarities. the one i posted when i lost control of my sneaky emotions. i wanted to edit it....delete those ugly words away but there was this part of me refusing to let myself do so..maybe because that outburst was the only time i came close to finally telling the truth about what i feel. somehow deleting it would be equivalent to denying my feelings and this is definitely one time that i can't self-delude as usual.......urgh complicated huh?
but anyhow i don't know why but i just wanna apologise for that ourburst. all that swearing wouldn't get me anywhere wouldn't it?:)silly me.
shall try to go sleep now.
just watched fight club. i love brad pitt. wish i hadn't read that piece of shit online. i'm going to be like tyler dundred i'm going to gain control by losing control. brace yurself little pink pretty butterfly blog yu're gonna be having lotsa fight club ugly negative quotes marring yur bright cheery positive face. sorry but right now i just can't find the courage to die and i piss me off not knowing what's holding me back.
everytime when i am finally able to pull myself together everything else falls apart again.
I AM FUCKING SICK OF BEING CALLED BIG.
I AM FUCKING SICK OF EXISTING IN A WORLD WHERE YU CAN'T BLOODY HELL TRUST ANY ONE.
I AM FUCKING SICK OF FEELING INFERIOR
I AM FUCKING SICK OF NOT BEING IN CONTROL
I AM FUCKING SICK OF ALWAYS BEING NICE
I AM FUCKING SICK OF BEING HURT
AND MOST OF ALL I AM FUCKING SICK OF FEELING fucking INFERIOR
FUCK OFF
FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF ALL YU SHIT THINGS THAT CALL YURSELF HUMAN BEINGS!AND WHAT REALLY MAKES ME SICK IS THAT I FUCKING HAVE TO BECOME LIKE ONE OF YU FUCKHEADS BEFORE I CAN GET ANY VESTIGE OF SELF CONFIDENCE AND SELF RESPECT BACK AGAIN
can someone save me from me i think i'm going crazy.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Saturday, April 03, 2004
didn't do anything much today i discovered a really pretty powerpuff girls' bag which is pink which i probably shouldn't waste money on because i wouldn't carry it to school..or anywhere else for that matter..
these days i'm all crazy about the colour white..i've got a whole wish list of white things that i 'm dying to buy but haven't got the money at first it was the white louis vuitton wallet and matching white lv print clutch..then came that white flare khaki billabong skirt i discovered while shopping after movie on friday. and then it was the white metal hoop earrings from mtv style. argh. to make matters worse i discovered a whole new range of heels from mng today and fell hopelessly in love with this pair of white heeled leather strappy sandals and another pair of white pointed toe stilettos! +i want i want i want i want+then while waiting for evita to get some white hangbag with silver tints i looked around casually and dug into some wooden compartment near the counters and found a white slim leather wallet! right there and then i knew i had to get it. i just knew i had to get at least something or i would mope the entire day. and i was right. i did mope the entire day cause i didn't get anything in the end. wish i were like that woman we saw at mng. she just randomly picked stuff off the racks and chucked them on the counter.....heels tops skirts bags........the pile just got higher. and higher. goodness she was wearing lv pumps the new black range and she had the matching bag to go with those pumps. +envy envy+ what rendered us totally speechless was the numbers shown on the cash register.....her total purchase amounted to more than a thousand dollars! she paid calmly with some credit card without batting an eyelid without any emotion the purchase meant nothing to her. yu should see the mng staff tripping all over themselves to attend to her. reallllyyy...in this world money talks and reigns supreme.
envy as i may, me and sarah both agreed on something. when yu're so used to buying and spending yu lose the joy of shopping. yu lose the thrill that yu get when yu buy something yu know yu love and would probably belong in the 'frequent wear' section of yur wardrobe. the 'high' that shopping gives ceases to exist when yu can afford to get anything yu want and more because then yu'd buy anything and everything without giving any thought to it...so why bother even shopping?yu can just highlight the entire catalouge at the louis vuitton website and copy and paste it to yur online shopping list and have it delivered right to yur doorstep no sweat.
anyway..
being the random ol' me.......i've suddenly decided that i am a rich beautiful happy (needless to say skinny) princess in this ethereal euphoria....
what in reality wouldn't suffice my imaginations and fantasies would sustain :)
somehow this has become a habit..:)getting home after i've eaten enough to fill ten whales and heading straight for my blue cushioned chair in front of the computer with this urgent need to spill out all my thoughts. if only i can spill out all the food i've eaten just as easilyas i could my thoughts. okie gonna go bathe. shall try to 'spill' all the food i have eaten. by hook or crook i would. get all that masticated mush.
out. of. me.
after some rigorous scrubbing and intense moisturising i feel so much better
think that i've been concentrating so much on the crappy things in my life that i've overlooked the happy things and the funny things that used to make me glow!:)
so maybe i should concentrate on that. anyway gonna go get some coke light from the fridge now and indulge awaayyyy...reading late into the night...or shall i say early into the morning?teehee.
Friday, April 02, 2004
Friday, April 02, 2004
i'm sitting in training clothes feeling very dirty and smelly and generally poofed off why why why why why can't i just get over this crap that is my life?i got through today without any mood fluctuations. yay. good. fantabulous.....yu know what?fark larh. whatever i felt i just kept it under all my layers of blubber anyway and kept trying to will it away like some disease-stricken old lady. except i ain't got no money. i need to get out of this have yu ever felt locked in yurself so bad? and everywhere yu twist and writhe yu just can't seem to break the walls and constraints yu set on yur own bloody mind? and i AM bleeding inside..no pun intended. i feel twisted. twisted. like the movie i caught today. lemme type something down before i forget.
crazy psychotic murderer: when did yu find out? find out that dirty side of yu? yu know....we all have the capacity to kill someone.....it's there....inside everyone of us...the difference is how much control we have. now yu and me, we both know we don't have that control...and yu know yu love what yu do to them..
just like i know i would love what i am going to do to yu.
gonna go bathe. wanna be clean and fresh again.
like strawberries straight from the strawberries farm.
considering the amount of time spent on re-vamping my blog i guess it better be chimerical:)even though i get this feeling my bestest best friend in the world's going to frown farcically upon this new pink and b'fluttery blog of mine..........stillll....it's butterfly fever for me these days so i could hardly stop myself when i stumbled upon this blogskin accidentally.............
okieokie i lied.
i typed 'butterfly' into the blogskin search engine and found it larh.
anyway can't sleep these days have no idea what's keeping me awake oh and did i mention i have this crazy mind-boggling burning desire to own one of those pink chanel suits and flirty yves saint laurent dresses that i chanced upon while on my foray into stef's magazine cuttings..goodness i want them so much it's
silly because with a tub of lard for a body yu really don't do those beautiful clothes any justice..besides with all these constant ups and downs and major irregular fluctuations in my general emotional state i'm definitely not up to exuding the charm elegance grace and glamour of a girl in pretty clothes. urghh.
my girlfriends prep talked me today..one after another..enveloping me in their concern and well meant advice..bringing me out of my horrendous self-pity binging to plough through the rest of the day with an almost straight line for my 'mood-swing' graph...i'll try to maintain that almost straight line throughout tomorrow hope i make it.
things minli ate today:
~veggies
~fruits
~kinder bueno
~dinner (potato cubes & pork ribs)
ARGH. i fail my diet test for today better make it up by de-toxing tomorrow
haveta see ms lui about math remedial and collect the lit hardtimes homework from everyone and go see mdm toh and god knows what else i've gotta do
:)but it doesn't matter..can't wait to go catch a movie tomorrow~it's been ages since i'm financially able and obligation-free enough to go watch a movie......and sadly...i'm still NOT financially-able and obligation-free enough but since when have i ever cared?
i'm a butterfly flitting my way through life
don't catch me don't touch me don't hold me down
because then yu might brush the magic dust off my wings
and i'll never ever be the same butterfly again.
but i'll start caring soon the four As are demanding my attention and for a while i'd lose my magic dust and my butterfly wings and i'll not be minli till the a's are over and gone..
so meanwhile i'll just try to settle down to earth and be a grounded unmagical
wutterfly.
there's only one word for my blog's new look
chimerical
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Thursday, April 01, 2004
okie.gonna redo my blog soon
sick of the fucking yellow
just read dawn's blog
even though she probably can't see this
but yeah we didn't spend six years in the same class for nothing
all that bitching and love-hating
underneath it all
hope she knows i love her.
that's all that matters
ouch.ouch.ouch.
pain pain pain
why won't it go away.
lost the friendly with ite combined today 105-67
bleurgh double bleurgh
i emerge from the match realising that my knee is killing me
little by little each time i move it
and that i would have to type
with one hand because my left forearm hurrrrrts
i think that huge no. 10 rendered it useless when she smashed me
from behind
it's relief talking about how it hurts because i can't voice the pain
when i'm in school
nor can i show my pain openly because....
i feel like they'd just eventually hate me if i harp on it
argh the PAIN of not being able to rant about the PAIN
rivals the bloody PAIN itself and it drives me nuts
peanuts hazelnuts(yum) cashew nuts walnuts
talked to ms liu today
gonna have math remedial everrrrrryyyyydayyy from now onwards.help me.
i hate math and god only can guess how far behind i am
but i will perservere
think A!!! for math!
i miss * so much
i don't know why too but this constant fervent anguish i feel
if it's not
pining then i don't know what this is
oh well
anyway to curb my desire for sweets
i've decided to come up with a diet plan and
this is how my miracle fat battling cure works
everyday i'd decide on what i can eat the next day!
isn't this plan peerrfeect?!
i get to eat what i want and still be able to control what i eat!!!
wonderful me!!!
sometimes i just amaze myself with ideas i come up with
yeah so according to my plan..
i've decided that i can only eat the following tomorrow
- fruits! 2 servings
- veggies! 2 servings
- biscuits! 2 packets
- coke light! unlimited cans
- dove fruit and nut chocolate bar!
hahah the last item shall be a reward of sorts
i guess a little chocolate now and then wouldn't hurt..
besides...i've decided that i'm allowed a 'indulge' item each day
this way my diet plan'll be more realistic don't yu think?