Thursday, April 27, 2006
i could memorise every single tile in the toilet cubicle no. 2, for the amount of time i spent in there, bent over hugging my knees, cold sweat pricking my forehead, trying hard to get my mind off the D Wave. actually on second thoughts, i just told myself firmly i couldn't die this way, not while battling the D Wave, not in the damn toilet cubicle for godsake. all the black charcoal things the doc prescribed did not seem to do me any good. for all i know they are BLACK MAGIC PELLETS, designed to make me succumb to the D Wave.
my dearest mates, worry not for me, all is not lost. i think i might win the battle with the evil, unrelenting D Wave just yet! i figured, since everything i put in my mouth meant a date with the very D himself, i should just NOT EAT ANYTHING AT ALL. and guess what you STUPID D? it worked! it worked! it worked! it's almost 1 and you've not attacked me even once!!!!! YESSSSSS
....................................................................................
it's sort of sad, to come back and read my saved post, celebrating the victory won against the D wave. i think the D Wave's gone crazy without any thing in my belly, and has as of now moved on to my juicy (i imagine) stomach walls. so now i have a horrid stomachache in addition to the D Wave trying to expell my entire stomach from my body. typing it all out empowers me somehow. for now i'll just hang on to the hope that i might wake up tomorrow and find D gone.
For Shufang
hi guys,
i am emailing you all on the behalf of shu fang's closest friends.
they appreciate your efforts to show your concern for shufang's well-being. and they are glad that you are doing all these to help her.
but like i said, like i warned you all, all this hype, this is just TOO MUCH.
why are you all blowing this out of proportion. all she wants from you all now is for you to include her in your prayers. even then, dont pray for a miracle, because it is really not going to happen. she knows it, and she really hopes God will provide her with release, so pray for her to go to Him soon. you do that, and whatever fundraising you want for the trust fund in her name, because she doesnt need the money anymore.
i am saying this on the behalf of her closest mates. they have enough on their minds, with exams and all, they do not need to deal with all this hype.
when we first told you about shufang, i appealed to you all not to blow this out of proportions. what i really wanted to say was, you need to know when you're doing something to make yourself feel better, or really doing it for shufang.
it just seems to me this is not in accordance with shufang's wishes. neither is it according her friends' wishes. they understand your concern, so they find it hard to say anything about it at all. and so i will say what needs to be said, please stop it already.
all she needs is rest, and precious time with her mother.
we do appreciate your concern, in fact, we are thankful for it. but please please, i am begging you, you all have to understand. do what you can for her, just don't make it this big, this hyped up. she doesn't need that and they don't need that.
please, for those who understand, and will not take this the wrong way, help spread the message. if you're for shufang, then know what she wants before you presume to do anything for her beyond praying and fund raising. let this be a private and quiet affair without cymbals and trumpets,and announcements shouted from the top of buildings.
try to understand the situation. you're not close to her, and you will never be able to see things from her family's and her friends' perspectives. so whatever you do, please seek their approval and consent. i understand for this mass, her friends gave the go ahead. they did not expect it to escalate into such an affair. what they had in mind was a small private prayer group, genuine and quiet. they did not expect crowd control, neither should shufang feel the obligation to go down.
the thing is if she goes down, she will require an ambulance. and in case you don't know, her condition is such that she might pass away on the way. that will be too much for anyone to handle. needless to say, she will not be going down this sat.
the situation has gotten so out of hand that shufang has to switch off her hp so she can get the rest that she needs instead of replying all the smses she'd recieved. this means her closest friends have one less avenue of reaching her. when she is bothered by all these disturbances her friends and mother are the ones who feel the pain and grief, because they feel this is something they really do not need at this point in time.
please guys, do understand why i have to say something on their behalf before things get worse? do not fault me, and i apologise if i have been too harsh in putting the point across.
the thing is, it really stresses me to see my friends, who are shufang's mates struggling to deal with this when they have exams and their friend's impending demise heavy on their hearts.
so let's stop it ok? before someone really have to step out and say something harsh just so shufang can have peace, rest and time with those important to her. let's just try to be more understanding, and more discerning from now onwards.
yours sincerely,
minli
i hope you all understand. there's a reason why it's 7 am now, i have an exam in 2 hours and i can still want to do this. Saturday, April 22, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
thanks for all the concern the girls have shown for shufang. i love this whole RGS/raffesian spirit thing. girls check the RGS community on the IVLE.
i rediscovered timtams by the way. it soothed the gnawing pain in my belly from that programming exam yesterday. needless to say, i will not be seeing an A on the results slip. at least i wont have to do anything remotely programming again. i hope.
anyway, and i urge you all to do the same, dont take too long to say 'i love you' to the ones you love, cause time has a habit of slipping away from you, when you least expect it. here's a dedication to the ones i love, and so very treasure in my dreary mundane life. mind you, there're more to come, i couldnt fit all those really important to me in just one collage, and photoshop keeps hanging on me.
yeah ok i know my photoshop skills suck. so bite me.
and i will bite you back hurhur.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006Wednesday, April 19, 2006
friends of shufang, READ
this is an update for all those RGS girls who've been asking me about shufang, and what they can do to help. fundraising is very much welcome, we do hope to get more money for shufang, but whether there's the need for more we really do not know.
please do not raise with RGS because we have already approached them, and fundraising has already taken place. we raised from RGS, with RGS, $46,000, which is wonderful. RGS has been fantastic, namely our principal deborah tan, who i think redeemed her pinafore-colour-changing-booboo with this particular act of kindness and show of concern.
RJC, sadly, has been rather unresponsive. the warmth, concern, and enthusiasism we got from RGS was severly lacking in RJC's response. the softball teacher in charge however, is an angel. she raised funds from the staff, about $1000, from the softball girls, her form class, and herself, another $1000 odd. mr hodge, despite all things good and nice heard about him, seemed rather uncaring and indifferent to shufang's condition. i have emailed mr leong, the current viceprincipal, a proposal detailing fundraising efforts but have yet to recieve a reply of any kind. seriously even a polite rejection is better than no response at all.
dear friends, i understand your desire to help to do your part for shufang, and tell her how much you care for her condition. but please, please, please, understand that her condition is critical, if is not obvious enough, it is terminal. this means she has little time left. the morphine, no matter how much dosage is increased, can only give her so much time, and she tires very easily. this time she has left is very precious! let her spend it with those who are so very close to her, that is her family, her RGS platoon mates, and those who have been with her every step of the way. PLEASE UNDERSTAND that if you turn up to see her, she will try her best to entertain you, and that WILL TAX HER. so please, if you want to help, by all means do all you can to help, whether it be fundraising, or sending her flowers and gifts. do NOT presume to visit her if you're not that close to her, because she really doesnt have much time, nor energy left. let those who love her so much more than you do have the time with her. let them have that time please.
so friends, please understand, please understand what i am trying to say, because it really frustrates me when we all trying to make her as comfortable as possible, or when we are trying to get her what she needs, we find we have too many visitors getting in the way. it especially stresses her mother when her daughter's been up all night battling the pain, and when she finally drifts into slumber in the morning, hordes of visitors turn up clamouring to see her. by all means, go visit her if you want, but dont expect to get much time because she is after all very ill. it will be great if you'd write her a note. yes, she can still see(read), and feel (touch). so pamper her with flowers, it'll keep her spirits up. send her notes and letters, she'll read when she's able.
thanks all for the concern, i am thanking you all on the behalf of shufang, her family and her closest friends. thanks a lot friends, it's great to see the raffles family ties strong and enduring.
as for the song i requested a friend (jon lau) to write for shufang (joan), since i am not that musically talented as he, and wanted so much to have shufang listen to something that'll keep her fighting on while she battles the pain, you can get it from me, just ask me or somethign i will send it to you. otherwise, you can get it from dawn's blog.
by the way, to show my utmost appreciation to jon lau, this is a huge shoutout to all you friends out there who loves Joan's song, his band is cutting an album soon. i will update you with more details. he has written a song for Justina too, for those who know, Justina was a senior who took her life. get the song from me if you are Justina's friend, or if Justina has touched your life.
For all of us whose lives have changed because of shufang,
now it hurts, but you smile.
looking back right now
i don't really care,
just want you to know
i've been thinking about you nearly everyday
just to find the words to say
i know you're hurting now,
but we'll make it through somehow.
won't we, joan?
just soldier on, just soldier on. Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
we visited shufang at sgh the other day, and decided to cheer her up with flowers. we spent close to a hundred dollars on the flowers, so while waiting for clara to get her stuff from haotian's car, we went a little berserk posing with them flowers hur hur.
oh that's how the d block lounge looks like these days, it's me, pq, joel and chenyong studying, me and pq sharing one table, joel and chenyong have their own desks. oh the food has a space of its own on our desk. we never stop eating, and so we never stop buying \:Monday, April 17, 2006
perhaps i should just take it as what is is, and stop deluding myself.
i will never succeed at anything in life because i am a first class procrastinator. it doesnt just apply to studying you know? in fact i think procrastinating when it comes to studies is the least of all the other crimes i am guilty of committing against myself. i am so lazy i make myself sick. literally. i am lazy so i dont wanna walk out to have lunch. i could just not eat, but because i am such a glutton i stuff myself with whatever chocolate and biscuits i can find in the damn room. so then i am sitting there with a stomachache, i tell myself i cant study like this, and so i lie down and rest. and then i figure, since i have a stomachache anyway and i need rest, might as well watch full house while i am resting. seriously, i am AMAZED at myself, so bloody amazed with myself for making up such innovative ways to get out of studying. whatever happened to all my plans? my great great plans?
oh right, that's where i went wrong! i make plans, i dont carry them out!
but then i already knew that, i am just pretending i dont know where the problem is so i can put off solving the freaking problem.
well done! well done! i will remain unaccomplished, fat, and an idiot for the rest of my life if this goes on. oh God God God, please! dont let me get me. dont let me get me. Friday, April 14, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
i hate to say this, but talking to you just doesnt make me feel better anymore. feeling as if i am imposing on you all the time is not something i am looking for when i call you. seeking solace and the warmth of your concern are the very reasons why i bother and why it is you i choose to call, choose to tell what i feel about anything at all. now it just seems to me when i need you to lean upon you find it a chore even to be a listening ear. and so i wont do this anymore, no more letting you in on how i feel about her, about death, about sch, about my (many) insecurities; my life. i had thought even if you weren't a major part of it, you'd love to be one of the three whom i turn to, and who really cared about me at all. perhaps i thought wrong, or perhaps i was just too demanding and needy a friend. perhaps perhaps..
but talking to you just doesnt make me feel better anymore. so no more talking to you, no more. even if you didnt care, i care enough about myself to see me through the storm.
i do, right? Thursday, April 13, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
| Your Eyes Should Be Violet |
 What's hidden behind your eyes: A quiet passion |
| The Keys to Your Heart |
 You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
I'm a Ferrari 360 Modena!
You've got it all. Power, passion, precision, and style. You're sensuous, exotic, and temperamental. Sure, you're expensive and high-maintenance, but you're worth it.
"Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.
why am i taking stupid quizes when the exams are just round the corner?
oh yeah, i am a first rate procrastinator.
Monday, April 10, 2006Monday, April 10, 2006
fna tutorial presentation in two hours and here i am, still trying to figure out what the chapter is all about. sometimes i wonder how i am going to cope in business school, when every module is a pain in my *** to study, and is on something that even if i had the interest i wouldnt have the aptitude for. it makes me feel stupid stupid stupid. God, help me. Saturday, April 08, 2006
Saturday, April 08, 2006
We follwed her into her room, her delicate feet pattering softly as she held herself carefully. every step seemed an effort. All i wanted to do was to scoop her into my arms, hold her close, and tell her everything was going to be alright, she was going to be alright, as much as it would only be all a lie. She lay down on her bed, smiling slightly as we filled the air with cheerful prattle, admiring the murals her mates had painted on the wall, bright and pink, of fairies and angels, and of a princess with her prince. No doubt, she was that raven-haired princess at the center of it all. We rambled on and on with as much joy and light we could muster, never mind our hearts were breaking. She too, was valiantly enjoying our light-hearted chatter , never mind the intense pain she must be feeling in her arm, never mind her finger tips were numb.
' Wo zhu le mee fen, ni men yao qu chi hao bu hao." (I cooked beehoon, you must eat alright?) came her mother's voice from the door. She smiled at us, how she managed that we would never know. In the mother's hands were her lunch; we had mee fen (beehoon) from plates, she had hers from a tube up her nose, canned liquid nourishment, laced with the amber liquid Morphine, whose cloyingly sweet scent was a rush up our noses. She went quiet, we figured it must be uncomortable, having that tube up her nose, but then her mother told us her arm had been hurting, and that to ingest food these days was a chore for her. Told us Morphine made her sleepy, her eye would be swollen in a while, and how nowadays she tired even more easily. Her body, the bony limbs, the glowingly pasty skin, the scars; all unnatural and foreign. We sat there in helplessness, frozen because we could do nothing to ease the discomfort and pain. We could not even help her take her mind off what she must be feeling.
Her mother started talking, telling us of a cheerful little place where there were professionals to give massages, gardens, doctors and transport ready if something were to happen. we were enthusiastic, it should be great to have a change of environment once in while, besides her mother needed the rest too anyway. we tried to make the cheerful little place sound like it was indeed a cheerful little place, but it did nto hide the fact that those who went there, all went to wait. some waited for salvation, some waited because they had no other choice, she just waited for release. the tears rolled down her cheeks as she struggled to articulate her frustration. she could not speak clearly for she had lost the ability to control one half of he mouth. the tears were rolling, the tears of Despair. It is cruel she says, cruel to see herself wasting away, to watch the gradual erosion of her body's faculties. It is cruel, she says, to be hanging, perching on the end, without knowing what lies ahead. It is cruel, she says, to see her loved ones suffer, to see them cry for her, work for her, give up so much for her. It is cruel she says, to be a shining example to everyone else if being a shining example hurt so much, took so much out of her. The precious tears soaked the tissues, stained pink with the force of her wracking sobs.
What could we say, what could we do? If we could help carry her burden we would, if we could help ease her we would. All we could give was puny encouragement, was our unconditional love. 'Fighting' we said, 'fighting! it's not in vain!' For it is not in vain, her fight and her tenacity; it could change people's lives, it changed mine, i said. Then her mother came in, more Painkillers this time.
When we left, effects of Morphine had set in. She was sleepy, but alert and aware still, for Morphine was used sparingly with her. She managed a smile, never mind her swollen eye and cheek, the throbbing pain in her arm. Raising her good arm, her fist clenched tight, she mouthed 'Fighting', and we all breathed a relieved laugh; good girl, dear baby, she was going to hang on. 'Fighting' we echoed, 'fighting'.
Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
sisters; what would you do without them?
1. with more and more foreign female workers, singaporean men are now spoilt for choice. just look to Home headlines for proof; what a young indonesian maid sees in a 64 year old security guard with a lowly monthly income i cannot comprehend. was it love? still, while there are some cases in which true love prevails, i refuse to believe the pursuit of true love with another woman overshadows the responsibility a man has to his family. sorry, but true love is but bullshit when a man gives up willingly his savings, his family's savings, even cashed out his daughter's insurance policy, for another married woman. unbelievable? believe it. it happened to a friend.
2. adultery is no longer a taboo. perhaps our strait-laces are coming undone! sigaporean men now think it the norm to have mistresses (whispers: just as long as the wives do not find out).it is a signal of virility, that they are able to 'attract' a bevy of women at their age. i can understand the deep seated primitive need of men, the need to ascertain themselves once they hit life beyond their mid fourties. afterall, this has to do with our biological origins, it is a natural progression that cannot be avoided. it cannot be avoided, but it can definitely be prevented and curbed! was it not love and moral values like responsibility and loyalty that set us apart from animals? discipline and self-control over instinctive tendencies, were they not what differentiated man from animal?
yet what struck me particularly about today's headlines was how adultery led to murder in the case of the elderly security guard and his young indonesian maid. adultery by itself is a problem tough enough to tackle. murder adds a whole new dimension to the equation. i am sure most singporeans have noticed how reports of local murders reports have increased significantly. just to name two from the back of my head, there was the Orchard Towers Murder, Murder of that young China girl (i dont remember her name). For someone as uninformed as i am on current affairs to be aware of an increase in crime, just spells how there might be something eroding away in our society, and that perhaps something might be done before it is too late. Crime is a vicious cycle. Adultery results in children growing up in broken families. a childhood filled with unhappiness and hatred only brings them up to be either psychologically scarred/depraved, or full of anger/animosity. it is often these backgrounds that lead to them committing more crime.
what breaks me is that there can be no well-rounded solution to this problem. the singaporean government, famous for our highly-effective policies, could draw up and implement some policies to curb and fight crime. examples of which would be education, and of course, the favourite: stricter penalties be paid. yet to meddle with the social fabric often results in side-effects that present more problems to be solve. if lucky, the problems caused by the side effects are limited to a few generations ( recall Bilingualism campaign in the 80s to breed an english speaking generation, and our recent valiant efforts to Speak Chinese), if unlucky achieving the desired effect only sets in motion another problem more serious than the one solved (think "Two is Enough" during the 90s baby boom, and now an rapidly aging population). while some may blame the import of foreigners, done so in an attempt to correct our aging population, for adultery rates rocketing sky high, i believe that it is but a catalyst for an invisible, but very menacing problem our society could be facing. try as i might, i could not conceive what this problem might be, i only see its effects: the seeming erosion of values and moral beliefs in our society. pretty soon, we will be faced with more of such terrible effects.
i do pray that this be brought to attention soon. i guess all we can do now is hope our family and friends be spared the worst of it.
bah, what was that all about! back to studying it is.
Monday, April 03, 2006
you-tube is the latest entertinment in my town; i only just discovered it hurhur.
pls click below for a laugh. wish i could claim credit for creating the vid tho (:
skygegedamz you watchin this?hah. Saturday, April 01, 2006
Saturday, April 01, 2006
damz had one lousy day today \: but trust me it'll all be better tmr ok
