Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
i wanna let yu know how i feel
fuck what i said it don't mean shit now
fucked up presents might as well throw all out
fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
fuck yu yu whore i don't want yu back.
ate so much today i wanna burst.
things minli ate:
~veggies from the yong tao fu stall
~pastry crap
~half a pack of pizza sticks
~chocolate
~fish&veggies dinner
told myself the undisciplined me to get a grip
on the harsh fat reality and BLOODY HELL walk
away from the dove fruit and nut chocolate bar
but no chocolate calls to me like the pirates' gold calls to them
in the pirates of the carribean- the black pearl
i can't get my hands to listen to me..........
they automatically reach for my wallet then i hear myself ask
'auntie this one duo shao qian'
supposed to be studying hard now
but i just wanna blog so what the hell i don't care
had a weird dream last night
it's one of those potent ones that make yu
shamefully wish they were true.......
NO not
that kinda dreams
:)
it's those dreams that reflect yur wishes
yur inner desires
the ephemeral
the eu-things in me.
i try to discover a little something to make me sweeter
oh baby refrain from breaking my heart.
Monday, March 29, 2004
Monday, March 29, 2004
nothing much happened during the weekend
am staring at the com with really nothing that i want to say
don't even know what made me come here
type in www.blogger.com
type my username and password and log in here to a new post
weird.
got a tatto on saturday though..
haha it's really pretty...a butterfly on my ankle
and went shopping with the girls again
and discovered lotsa new stuff that i want to buy
anyway thinking about getting another tattoo on my lower back
but first i gotta get into shape or else what's the point
haha and my tattoos
they ain't real it's those airbrush type that fades after two weeks or so
haha still... they sure look real!
but i'm so fickle minded i guess these are a wonderful alternative to the real thing
this way i can get new designs and do tattoos anywhere i like
i'm just hanging here right now..
i have nothing going on in my life that really interests me anymore
anyway season's round the corner
i want to win desperately
just so that i can prove to my teams members that if we try
we can do it
if we aim high we wouldn't fall too low i guess
call me over-optimistic or stupid..but i know if we do play our best
we can do it.
we
would do it.
but somehow every training demoralises me more and more
we just can't play smoothly
me i make mistakes too..
and then i irritate me even more
nevermind
yu know something?
i started out not knowing why i'm here at my silly blog
then i realise that it's cause i do have something to talk about
and talking here it makes me feel better
i can finally pour out everything
give my thoughts a reality:
i blog them
controlling them organising them
and not let them run wild in my brain
haha and best thing is right here i can delete anything
i feel does not belong in my mind
and then just simply delete it all away
read this in the newspaper!
when i was a child i thought like a child
i reacted like a child i played like a child
but now i put that child away.
and i immediately came up with this!
when i was minli i thought like minli
i reacted like minli i played like minli
but now i put that minli away.
haha i want so much to change
and i've always let myself have whatever i want
and i can't believe i wouldn't indulge myself one more time.....
soi guess..
i'm changing:)
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
gonna start sudying soon=]
i'm feeling happy today
maybe i's cause i screwed up econs
but generally life's been blissful now that i have
my life plan drawn up
it isn't much=] i don't hope much
but i'm so happy and excited with all these silly things i wanna do
and i'm on my way to do!=]
will read this blog entry next time.
and feel the way i do now
bliss.
i'm half way though common test
approximately........................
two more papers to go and i'll be free
only to realise that i've sunk myself deeper into
the dark abyss of four Fs for the a levels..
haha=]hell but what does this matter
i've sorted out my life and it's easier on my body and soul
now that i know what are the main goals in my life
......................
=]no i refuse to say what the main goals are.
(haha like anyone's interested......)
anyway to think about it
it's actually quite easy
picking myself up after all those shit
yu just tell yurself over and over again
forcefully
harshly
with full concentration
(yu've got to frown and sqeeze yur eyes shut reallll tight)
'i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care'
........................
'i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care'
...............................
then i sorta like start to believe that i
don't care
argh....really....the crazy things i do=]
````````````````````````````````
remember what i said the last entry?about
that girl who's so good at lying to herself?
haha i conclude that it's actually good that yu can lie to yurself
saves yu lotsa heartache
but gives yu lotsa heartache too
the trick is to reflect and face the truth once in a while
then it's easy to see whether or not yu should continue lying to yurself
sarah would probably roll her eyes at this and get all irritated
and then snap waspishly at me
' then why lie to yurself in the first place anyway !'
i can just picture the exasperated look on her face
arh sarah=] i'm just a ball of contradictions
just roll me away
roll me away......................(sing to 'row row row yur boat')
roll roll roll the ball roll it far away merrily merrily merrily....
haha okie i better stop this crap.
it's tuesday today.anyway coincidentally
it's day two into the -transmorgifying-minli- action plan
that Doctor Ilnim has drawn up......
so far so good.
the object of transmorgify is doing rather well
Doctor Ilnim is pleased.
"this will be the official records of the entire process. i'm Doctor Ilnim.
4:43pm OBJECT of TRANSMORGIFY is in the library
*note :OBJECT of TRANMORGIFY too lengthy to type
since sex of OBJECT has been determined (female)
will name HER as a LEGNA
4:47pm LEGNA is supposed to be studying but she is using the computer
she has math commontest tommorrow
just took her brain waves scan and realised that she does not
have the mathematical knowledge to pass tommorow
LEGNA thinks that she would got down to studying later though.
so far so good monitered her progress today
she didn't lapse into any MELANCHOLIC state of mind.
PLAN for the rest of the day:
LEGNA's own thoughts= nap a while mug math go home at ten
my plans for her=mug math.minus the resting
this is Doctor Ilnim speaking hope LEGNA would follow MY plan.
update on her progress another time: this is the end.'
Monday, March 15, 2004
Monday, March 15, 2004
there's so much about my life right now that i should
be blogging about
ultimately this is what my blog is about isn't it?
a place where i can "jot" down the going-ons of my pathetic life
somehow i can't bear myself to talk about the crazy screwed up
messy shit that was my life for the past three weeks.
seems like an eternity since i was last happy
what does happy feel like anyway.
maybe i'll feel better if i didn't speak of it as my life..ishould say it's HER life.
sometimes she wonders how she lets herself get into all this incredible horrid
mess where nothing seems to be going okie for her.
her teacher once told her that most people go through life without
ever understanding themselves..
but she somehow feels that perhaps in her case
she DOES understand her own terribly human reactions but it's more like
she refuses to admit she does
and so she goes through life lying constantly to herself
she is a rather lousy liar
so far her attempts to lie to anyone have been so
transparent that she never gets away with it
yet she realises she's fantastic at lying to herself
deep down inside in the sane corner of her being she knows that all these
negative feelings and insecurities and fears all stem from her being afraid of being
unaccepted of being not popular of not leading the life she sees herself leading
but for some tricky silly reason she doesn't feel like admitting to anyone
or even herself that this is why she's feeling all that she's feeling
she would rather believe some other make-believe reasons she comes up with
the thing is she is so good at lying to herself that she starts to believe the lies
she feeds herself and sooner or later they become more and more real....
the family the money the brains and the looks
when yu have them four yu'd sail through life like a wonderful rainbow.
it doesn't help that so much people around her lead this sorta lives
she knows they have their own problems but she always feel that their problems would
be cancelled out naturally if they have all of the above.
or maybe it's some selfish dramatic side of her
some childish stupid voice sullenly voicing out the thought that everyone's problems can't
be as serious as my own
okie i mean her own.(chiara says hi!)
i should be studying soon
i need to start it's only a week to the commontests
maybe if i did study and i did well for this common test i'd be able to salvage some of my old self
back and maybe even things might take a turn for the better
need to get veet later
i need to pay my bill and i need to finish my lit s essays
and i need to pull myself up again