Thursday, May 27, 2004
Thursday, May 27, 2004
have yu ever sat for a gp common test and got saddled with
writer's block? imagine century long minutes of angony coursing through
every fibre of yur being while yur eyes feel like they are constantly running
out of the sockets.
that was the state i was in throughout the entire common test
compo comphre ARGH okie off my mind. i'm not going to think about it
.
.
.
arrrhhh i'm gonna fail!
Friday, May 21, 2004
Friday, May 21, 2004
what if one day we are told love doesn't exist?
what if we're told love is just a figment of imagination? or what if love could be created..be duplicted..be made.because it was just some ordinary chemical reaction? now. that would be weird. and infinitely dangerous. cause then love could be bottled, like countless bottles of Woods Cough Syrup, or even worse, powdered into pills like the sinister purple and black anitboitics that yu always get at the clinics, never mind that it is just a headache.hmm. the horrors of this love pill. the wonders of this love pill. and the things i could do with it...if it ever exist.
broke my bag today
too much stuff. i have lots of stuff
it's always stuff here stuff there..
and that's what they all are and everything i have..stuff.
and i shall not say what is bothering me anymore.
this blog ain't that private
everything i say have more repurcussions than
a earthquake that measures 7 on the Ritcher scale
had breakfast with daddy today:)
being the usual
nice and cheery smartass
he commented on how he has
legs
while what i have below my waist are none other than
trunks
that got me
stumped for a while......
hahahhhaa
get it?trunks?stump? hehe arrhhhh the delight of being corny
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Thursday, May 20, 2004
wondering about what is it that makes all these feelings so sweet
the sudden surge of delight or that little heart leap
everytime yu see that person
it's the same every single time that butterfly flutter
the quickening of yur heart beat and
the uncontrollable smile that hits yur face
i really don't know how to describe it..
i can only recall that feeling and i'll call it up again and again
just to be able to smile several times a day:)
by some weird reasoning and self evaluation
i realise that i do have the unhealthy habit of hiding things from myself
or erasing the bad things i don't want to remember...
the horrible disgusting saturday.
that i have somehow manage to shelve away is something i think
i have to face. and it is something i've got to get out of me
we lost to srjc.
i'm not sure whether was it srjc or maybe tjc or whatever
but the fact is we lost that game that would bring us to the semis.
there. i have said it
so simple isn't it? we lost that srjc game
we lost that srjc game
we lost that srjc game
or to put it simpler
we lost to srjc
or even simpler
we lost a game
a mere four words a mere five words
that is what it is really anyway. a loss a simple loser
then why do i feel so much more?
*shrug*
i can just shrug without telling yu but yeah i think i've got to VISIBLY shrug
shrug the entire matter off
and dismiss all the feelings too much to put to blog
to some far away place like Uranus
(i think that's the furtherest planet from earth)
i'm wondering how i'd look if i was skinny
i was thinking maybe if there's this neoprint machine
and yu could take pictures and the skinny version of yu would
appear in those neoprints
then i'd take a million neoprints and paste them on every
single possession of mine
no it ain't some narcissitic side of me
it's not even the real min in those neoprints so it's not narcissism!
and no it's not some warped deranged bulimic mind speaking here
it's just that starving would have more appeal when yu
are constantly reminded of WHY yu have to starve
i had enough of mango mirrors guess mirrors and miss sixty mirrors
not because they have a psuedo sliming efect
it is because even with the pseudo slimmming effect
i look into the mirror and still see a FAT minli
oh dear can yu imagine my horror?
hahah:) i was so so so traumatised yesterday okie
really really traumatised
ithink i'm the only person..
ever to be traumatised when yu look into a slimming mirror:)
okie this is a really senseless entry
i'm just blogging cause i don't want to study for that math lect test
feel like just escaping school again and go curl up in some
nice warm bed and sleep the day away enveloped in fluffy pillows
arh chocolate buffet at fullerton!
wish someone would bring me there someday
i'll be nice going with friends
but it'll be so so so romantic and sweet if
he
brings me there..........
eeeeekkk silly wishes of a silly girl:)
alrighty i've gotta sink back into reality
where i'm obscure to j.s where the math lect test looms
where slimming mirrors are horrors where matches are lost
where shopping becomes a series of heartattcks at the skyhigh prices
where stupidity is inherent and where wishes never come true
whatever happened to
' becareful what yu wish for, it might just come true'?
pookies for thought:
do yu know that minli have more than 10 going-to-sch bags
more than ten going-out-bags and is still currently wanting to buy more?
haha:)
do yu know that when yu lose weight and if
yu don't look like yu did then it's
the muscles that's all bidding adieu?
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
have things gotten better?
this was never meant to be privy to any eyes other than mine
and sometimes i really wonder about the sense of it all
yes things have gotten better
i feel loved these days
but traces of darkness haunts me still and i push it away
like the fringes of curtains that frame windows they irritate me
obstructing my view
right now i am trying to revv up an old disused nmachine that has unfortunately
and very predictably fallen into disrepair : my brain
the studies are more important than the daily schizoprehnia that
terrorises the happy minli and glorifies the depressed minli
anyway new blog new shift in perspective
i so need to catch upon school work there's that math test & four essays to tackle
and mostimportantly the big ugly A levels waiting to determine my
ability to shop for the next twenty years or so
wait a minute...talking about shopping..there's a million things i want
and only one reason holding me back! guess? yeaaaahhh moneeeyyy
argh
haha told my daddy a really pathetic story in the car yesterday on the way home
i told him that when yur body craves for a certain food then yur body
is telling yu something
giving yu a signal
like there was once i read this story about this sailor who was on board this ship
and got really weak and all and one day he happened to be gutting chickens
in the gallery and he got this craving for that deep red liver of the chicken
and he immediately cooked and ate some and found himself stronger
turns out he needed some iron or smoething that was present in the liver
and not in his normal ship rations sort of diet
yeah but the point of the story is, i triumphantly pointed out to my father,
that yu can't ignore yur cravings!
which was why i HAD to go for a seafood buffet
i reasonably reasoned that since i have this out-of-nowhere craving
my body must be telling me something
and so i need that seafood buffet or i might suffer from some horrible deficiency
and i might just die or faint or whatever
i thought i had him there....
until he pointed out that i was defintiely the most well-fed PIG
he'd ever seen and that if i suffered from any deficiency
all the children in Etopia would be dead by now
and of course i couldn't refute that......
i need only look down at my rotund body to know why he could label me OVERFED
still....the point of the story is..i am desperate for that seafood buffet:)
betrayals bitchiness gossips fats happy unhappy depressed highs
they all morph into something simpler to be seperated from minli
i rediscovered the power of books recently when i went to the library
it's like finding a hidden treasure all over again
and i get the feeling..sometimes books are just better company
than people that i've seen and been around too much:)
reading then gives minli back
the crazy girl who could read without sustenance and throw tantrums to get her favourite books and dream that she lives in ancient greece
and forever on the journey in the Never-Ending Story..
i'm so excited.
and horribly terrfied.
for i find i am starting to like life now.
Friday, May 07, 2004
Friday, May 07, 2004
haven't been here in ages cause the computer crashed on me one day
and then internet explorer became some picture on the screen that i just click and click
and nothing happens and it remains at that bloody ugly excuse that i have for a screen background
hell hell hell what is wrong with the com?
nothing much happening in my life these days
it's training and lessons and matches and
long busrides and home and food and essay writing
nothing really interesting going on
it's sort of like a
non-life that i'm living now
somehow i'm not really surprised the detachment that i feel
because i've recently like mastered again the art of
not caring and am currently numbly going through the motions of life.
most recent example:
found out something SHITTY
disclosement of a secret.................
betrayal of trusted friends.....................
painful embarrassment as a result of a silly spur-the-moment...............
and reacted to it with a few halfhearted rants at dawn and agnes and amanda
and a split-second moment of near tears before losing steam for the self-pity sessions!
how wonderful!
the former me would have harped on the entire matter,
gone at it like an bee at an attacker
chewed and gnawed at it like a dog do to a bone
before i'd have let the entire matter drop and blow over..
meanwhile regretting my outburst afterwards.
surprisingly nothing drama came out of the entire thing and it was resolved
pretty easily..everything is now prettily easy
WE WON HCJC
okie that was what i would have chosen to tbe the outcome of wednesday
and we
were a hairline crack away to kicking their asses
but sadly, we lost...but won our dignity and confidence back
so afterall it was rather a fair trade....stilllllllllllll we could have stuffed them.
that's the latest update on bball.
oh didi mention i got fouled out during the last quarter
*&^#%#@$^@$^ stupid minli.
anyway i 've been eating like...
there's gonna be no more food left in the world these days
gorging myself like crazy blanketing the harsh FAT reality with
thoughts that i need energy to train and play match..
what a dumbass lie but i sorta like try not to delve into
weight issues so much and thus am now
blessedly-unaware of my body mass.........
although those occasional.....alright.daily. checks during bathtimes
unearths a ballooning minli........heh
told azi and manda today outside the ts after our toilet expedition
that i would describe myself as
an
oozing...overflowing person
that tickled azi into horrified giggles and left
me desperately trying to
justify my use of adjectives......
seriously...i ooze out of my clothes and i overflow the ts chair
that's how i feel allll the time:)
and then go to the canteen and eat a whole loada chow.........
some nosey mummy just called me. i shall not explain.
guess right now only THEM have the ability to
drive me to that area marked
"getting worked up"
other than that the only other people are
yu
and
yu and
them
eh isn't that like all the people who matter to me in the whole world?
tsk....seriously i'm this bunch of conflicting things
just read tuesdays with morrie and ran smack into something
totally absolutely aphoristically me:
"have i ever told yu about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"life is a series of pulls back and forth. yu want to do something , but yu are bound to do something else. something hurts yu, yet yu know it shouldn't. yu take certain things for granted, even when yu know yu should never take anything for granted.
a tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. and most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match i say.
"a wrestling match." he laughs. "yes, yu could describe life that way."
interesting huh? remember i say i am full of contradictions? that my life is contradictory?
this lil passage from the book seemed so familiar
but then there's something later that i couldn't..in any way fathom
So which side wins, i ask?
"which side wins?"
he smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"love wins. love always wins."
now that left me clueless and confused and somehow lost
love?what a......corny thing to say but somehow Morrie doesn't
strike me as a corny person so i keep suspecting he must realllllyy
mean what he said and that i was just too dumb to figure it out.....
love? i know love...but i'm not sure how it all sort of links together...
or do i know love?
(if
yu're reading this
yu'd probably use it to start a senseless
argument fight with me threaded with blackmails and drama but
yu
are not supposed to be checking on me and if i had to repeat again what this
blog is to me i'll really hurl myself out of the window i swear i will.)
anyway that really got me thinking...
something's frustrating me. about bball and ~
i really don't know how to cope with this
it's the same with both and since i dno't thinkanything i do or try to do
can in anyway clamp down on this problem i have
i'll just concentrate on the frustration and irritation i feel with both instead
i know it is something that has nothing to do with me...or has it?
with one it is definitely something that has nothing to do with me
but the other i am not so sure
regarding ~ it's like this i feel like i'm doing somethign to offend or piss off
but then i worry it's just oversensitivity killing the cat
i get all murderous inside when this happens again and again and the emtional upheaval
and struggle of not showing this amalgation of prickly irritation is enough to drive me into
"working my self up"
it's not so much bball it is ~.
is it oversensitivity?!!!!!! but i can't help what i feel bloody hell
and though it has failedme some...my sensitivity often hits on the correct spot!
so what is it? another one of those back-forth things....
there's no otheroutlet for me so this poor page gets the brunt of my displeasure instead
alright i'll just subject the entire matter to my usual treatment..i call it the VICIOUS CYCLE
(not original i know...but it does sound......erm. yeah. vicious. hahahahah)
1. RANT 2. BITCH 3. LET IT SIMMER 4. EXPLODE WHEN BEYOND CONTROL
let's hope it doesn't get to stage four of my vicious cycle it's usually where i say loadsa
stupid asinine things that make me feel silly and generally like a donkey
ARHHHHH i wanna go shopping......list of things i need!
~ slippers! annex butterfly havianas and classy white charles and keith slipons
~ bags! annex polka dotted handbag and white suede miss sixty clutch
~ lacy gorgeous camisoles from that pretty pretty shop
~ skirt! yet to find something i want...
~ earrings: bronze gothic design from Purpur and translucent shell ones from wisma
~ math tuition!
~ shoes! la coaq sportif white sneakers.
~ somemore dolce&gabana light blue
~ shimmer blush by prescriptives
~ specs cause i really sorta sometimes cannot see clearly
it's a long long list all of which i may never be able to afford..oh dear oh dear oh dear
but never mind! i've gotta keep in mind the most important thing...
that is to study and to really catch up..i desperately need to catch up....
study study study study comeon girl remember renyung!