Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
my blog has become my safe haven where i unload all my horrid feelings
so that is why when the full impact of the common tests results hit me
i had this intense yearning to just go blog it all down
and sort out the achy sinking in the pit of my flabby stomach
i did very badly. that's an understatement. i am so..scared. scared shitless really.
i can't put down in words the horrid feeling of escalating panic
it is worse because i can't rein it in and that just heightens my fear.
it's sorta like the kind of terror uma thurman feels in killbill vol 2.
being buried alive in the coffin you can't control your fear
of being trapped in this pit forever. the fear of failing.
the inability to gain control of yourself
there is nothing worse than totally losing control of what you feel.
that's the kind of insane terror i feel. and you know what?
i refuse to cower in fear
i refuse to let all this screwd up people get the better of me
all that apparent sympathy and consolation don't mean anything
i have got to learn that no one in the damn world cares whether i do badly
and it's me for myself i'd show them all at the prelims i'd show them all!
and i can do all this
all alone!
i don't need anyone i don't want anyone in my damn life i just want to study
and concentrate on keeping my laziness at bay
i have to want to do well.
i
have to.
i
must get those As.
have math tuition later i hope he can help me if he can't i don't know how
i am going to find another teacher in such short notice
z : i don't need you! i don't need your attention!
y: i don't need you to study and do i give a damn whether i matter to you? no.
x : you're the best friend i'd ever had but i know you'd never be
able to cope with your own studies and my failing grades.
all i need is for you to be there when everything's over.
c : love you.
d.p : you're one of the most honest people i've met in our entire 6 years
together just hope you care as much for me as i do you.
heh. though i pretend to hate you.
CMs: fuck you all fake-os. there. i've got it out of my system. i can come
to school tomorrow and not want to slap your faces anymore.
s: wish we hadn't grown apart i know we could have been
wonderful friends.
b: do i still matter to you? does it matter to me whether i matter?
BP: i am jealous you all look better than i do. but what the hell......
good for you beautiful guys:)
A.T.R: go screw yourself before i'd allow you to screw up my life.
A: i can't decide whether you really care about me as a friend
and i find that i don't want to know because you are not the good
caring friend you seem you are and i can't figure you out.
glad i'm able to get this all out. being keeping it inside for ages
the only way to go about life now is to start making a hermit out of myself
and i look forward to it. put up all those defenses built walls around myself
it's time i grew up anyway. now i know why all those people at rouge branded
me naive and over sensitive.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Monday, July 19, 2004
went for a seafood dinner at east coast last friday with daddy and his clientsoh my god!seadfood galore!crabs and prawns and calamariordered both chili and black pepper crabs cause we couldn't make up our minds which to orderthe crabs were huge!! heavenly!:) com service yesterday was surprisingly fun haha i was so irritated and griping about the fact that i lost so much study timebut in the end i had such a wonderful time i just couldn't feel guilty about not studyingthe little kids were using sarah and me as climbing aidsto climb on to floats climb out of the pool climb into the poolclimb onto the huge inflatable island and its inflatable coconut treeshaha i spent six hours in waist deep poolwater hoisting the little boysof all sizes up and down and ferrying them to their destinations..or rather carrying them and wading in the general vicinity of where their little imperial fingers point tomy arms are still aching from lifting this particular boyfat and blubber filledand realllllllyy not little at all!i shuddered everytime he lifted his pudgy arms and looked expectantly at meurgh he's so heavy most of the time i buckled under his weighthaha then there was this flirty young girl and her flirty young friendblatantly flirting with the guys in the pool employing all her feminine wiles on themwhich include, for some weird reason, calling them 'eunuchs'and splashing water on then and then proclaiming cottequishly 'you're wet'if you can see me typing this now i am rolling my eyes hahabut sarah and i both agree we get a kick watching this kinda thing so we sat there guffawing at her embarrassing and painful tactics while taking a break from being overworked and mauled by the little kids:)oh sarah remember the 'E*******' guy?yellow trunks with a single stripe guy?!YUCK!!haha it is too disgusting to type it here if you wanna know about it ask me discreetlythen at the end of it all suddenly and absurdly i felt abandoned:(cause she went off with him and being the silly ninny that i ami couldn't help feeling a stab of jealously and a huuuuggeee wave of melancholycause i was all aloneso i trudged off and almost lost my way a second time to the ugly salmon pink redhill mrt anyway i swear i have this obsessive compulsive eating disorder! do you think i am lazy? cause i never thought myself lazy until i realise thaton one hand i keep worrying about the alevels on the other hand i am not studyingin fact i keep eating more and more instead of getting more and more work done!i guess i shouldn't be whining about this and get started instead into the rhythm of mugging till like ten at night everydayhai so i have resolved that if i slack my days away again this weeki would deprive myself out of fruits and veggies and moisturisersand chocolate!....fruits?!!!!!....okie you know what i'm going to start right now.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Your Icecream Flavour is... French Vanilla! |
You're a smooth and silky suave type! You exude class and you believe in tradition. A classical taste who doesn't like things to be too flashy or showy. Climb the Eiffel tower of taste with a spoonfull of you! Oui Oui! |
What is your Icecream Flavour?
Find out at Go Quiz
hope. it dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption
winding in winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
it roped me in so mesmerising
so hypnotising i am so captivated
i am
vindicated i am selfish i am wrong
i am right i swear i am right
i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now the things
you swore you saw yourself
so clear like a diamond in a ring
cut to mirror your intentions
oversized and overwhelmed
the shine of which has caught my eye
it rendered me so isolated so motivated i am
certain now that i am
vindicated i am selfish i am wrong
i am right i swear i am right
i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now the things
you swore you saw yourself
so tie up the corners of your lips
bite down and feel my fingertips
trace the moment fall forever
defenses paper thin just one touch and
i'd be in too deep now to ever swim against the current
so let me slip away..so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip against the current
so let me slip away so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip against the current.......
vindicated i am selfish i am wrong
i am right i swear i am right
i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed
but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now the things
you swore you saw yourself
my hope..dangles on a string
like
slow
spinning
redemption
listening to dashboard confessional vindicated now
know the song's rather old but i really like it
so it's on repeat on my mp3player right now
second week into the month of july!!i failed my econ ct
getting econs tuition the teacher's really funny and so confident
i'm so glad to let him just take over so i wouldn't have to worry so much
about undertaking the gigantic task of learning econs myself
ooh:)ate so much last sunday all my fav desserts putu piring and ondeh ondeh
then when i attempted to run with sarah yesterday i only managed four rounds
toolazy to continue so i'm going to try to coax mysrlf to run more today
finally letting my fingernails grow after six years of basketball
haha they look really pretty now i've had lotsa fun experimenting
but for school's sake it's just gloss now
read my previous entry and i'm so glad i remembered to remind myself to
WAKE UP.yes. study study study study..