Tuesday, August 31, 2004
working herself up into a fine sweat,
she grinds her teeth and pushes on for a little bit more and is rewarded with the air rushing past her ears and the scenery flashing past in a curiously comforting manner:slides after slides after slides of colour, action and moving things.
alrigght relax, and let the machine do its thing, gears working intricate teeth that allows the sensation of moving along, flying, without having to move a single muscle
one moment it's just minli on a bike the next moment it's superwoman hurtling through the air! i am wearing my superman tshirt today with my fav comfy red short shorts so it makes the transition of minli to superwoman all the more real.
now that's what i call silly!
but these are the things that keep me going, keep me grounded and sane, and safe from all the worries and insecuities that threaten to overwhelm what tenuous self -control i have.
so once in a while i don my superman shirt, throw in my tight red shorts for good measure, climb onto a bike and then do my superwoman act, in this case, terrorising, not rescuing, the good citizens of my neighbourhood, tearing around at top speed like some silly kid laughing at the sheer sensation of flying:)
and then for a while, i get to forget blissfully, and feel that leap of exultation at achieving my lifetime goal, though only for a nano-moment, of making myself plainly simply and uncomplicatedly
happy Monday, August 30, 2004
Monday, August 30, 2004
it's dangerous....
you're dangerous.
and so stop me now
cause i'm so lost.
i know i'm falling....
with the beginning of a new week comes
the fervent hope and apparently strong resolution
that the timetable be adhered to the room and table kept tidy
the gradual weaning of myself off him and that my mind would be clear of all
other worldly concerns....
*rises up into the air in a yoga position*
before this turns into some karma-induced incantation,
i am just practising my ability to laugh at myself so
HAHA :)
aight
did some massive restructuring of the war zone that is
my part of the bedroom today so everything is in order now and
i am feeling more in control of things. not my life though
but at least i'm in control of some things.
if i look up from typing now
i can see the NUS law faculty brochure staring at me
a little note stapled onto the front cover reads:
Office of Admissions NUS national university of spore
With Compliments
(then in handwriting)
Dear Minli,
Enclosed is a copy of the material requested.
Best wishes.
(signed)
Ivy Quek (ms)
Senior Admission officer
Office of Admissions
NUS
i cannot tell you how much i want to get into that place
and i would not waste time attempting to explain either
i guess i have been deviated from my dream for the past few weeks
but for the next two at least i would get right back on track.
insecurity is often accompanied by a constant yearning for affirmation
in other words:attention of others.
without the attention, insecure persons find it tough to assert their selves
these days,
more often than ever i find myself wishing to be just left alone.
it is a fine line between a lonely person
and a person who's alone;
and i prefer to think of it as "alone" rather than "lonely"
for that is what i really want, and ultimately need right now
the emotional and physical space to be alone
to be totally self-sufficient and self-reliant and completely
autarkic.
Morpheus
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Saturday, August 14, 2004
after countless self-evaluating soul baring(yes to my self) sessions
held between the rational truthful me and the irrational delusional
other part an overall decision has been made.
the truth is there was never a need for a decision
and i would not gripe about how much time
i have wasted coming to that conclusion for it would only result
in more time wasted and more griping
anyway i digress.
it is always a little bit unnerving how good she is for me
fifteen mintues of shouting arguing debating
humour-injected exchanges
with her gets my thoughts more organised than
hours of internal-self-analysis or hours spent
agonising to another party:)
thanks babe. you get straight to the heart of the entire
matter as always and always almost bowl me over with
the simplicity of your insightful comments
you are as usual correct in your assessment:
i cannot and should not and definitely (i hope)
would not get involved in any
tricky emotions-entangling spider web right now..
no matter what happens
i know it is definitely a shopping expedition
i can't afford...BUT
you know i am inherently flawed
i am a vain insecure creature who thrives
on this aphrodisiac attention
and without the adornment of attention
i feel like i have nothing and become nothing...
not even nothing itself at all.
haha aight dramatics aside............
you get what i mean don't you.
it does not help that one is absolutely clueless about
how to go about handling this all...
or whether i should even be
thinking about handling this at all.
perhaps then it should be left to run its own course
full of twists and turns and winding curves
only that one does not know where this would lead to
and whether i end up in that vast ocean
of possibilities with an accumalation of heavy sentiments
or whether i rush out to meet the warm sea
clear and without any burdens
it can only be guided by that which guides all .
i am just thankful for treasures like you:)
and the precious reminders of
what it feels like to regret.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
| ESFP - "Entertainer". Radiates attractive warmth and optimism. Smooth, witty, charming, clever. Fun to be with. Very generous. 8.5% of the total population. |
just read my last few posts quite negative and hostile pieces they are:)
but i'm not like that generally..that was just a few reallllllllyyy bad days
arhh!i'm bursting with secrets today..no one to tell them to except you
but that just makes it all more exciting and special
alrighty have one more origins essay to complete
i hate staying up alone..it's so..lonely
but i should have been used to it by now shouldn't i?
studystudystudystudy
i was right:) those who read my blog would see the word
"study" pop up a gazillion times for the next three months
thought of the day
"no one can take the right of indifference away from me."
haha not really sure it makes sense but i like the idea of being able
to choose to be indifferent:)
ms wang says my emotions show freely on my face
she's not the first to say that arh i wish i could
somehow learn to hide what i feel better but the thing is..
i don't know my face's expressing what i feel..
aight that aside..got to go complete that essay!
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
my blog's up and working again funny now the picture disappeared the other time
haven't been doing much these days attempting to study but i seem
to be getting nowhere as usual
eating alot these days i'm growing fatter than my previous fat self
what's new in my life anyway
but this time i AM growing fatter my tummy has disintegrated into
wobbly lumps of lard and layers of pure turgid jelly
haha disgusting gross whatever i'll deal with it after the a's
anyway nothing much just want to remind myself that
i have kwok's essays to complete
and i have to finish the work i planned to complete today
sea nationalism/math integration/gp essays
aiming for As in math econs lit. hope for a B in history for the prelims.
hope i at least manage Cs for everything if i can't hit what i aim for.
shorttermgoal: AAAB for the Alevels
longtermgoal: NUS law faculty
i've GOT to study.
and that's what anyone who reads my blog's gonna see for
the next three months or so.
