Monday, February 28, 2005
Monday, February 28, 2005
if that's the way you want it, i'll be fine.
if that's how it is going to be for the rest of the time i am going to be here,
i'll be fine.
if nothing comes out of this something, i'll be fine.
if this is what they warned it would be,
and if this ends in twinges of regret, i'll be fine.
if i am nothing more than just another used cow in the pen, i'll be fine.
if i don't do well and find myself destroying the something i could become, i'll be fine.
if everything fails me and nothing catches me at all, i'll be fine.
and when i know i've fallen so far down that i've hit rock bottom and cannot fall anymore, anything can hit me ,and you know what? i am fine.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
'it's my life it's now or never i ain't gonna live forever'
was skiving during work, looking through my Bright Sparks account to this song playing on the radio in the backgroud.
somehow that struck a chord in me, a cacophony of emotions, thought, and whatnot surged and swirled around, in that area somewhere between my tummy and heart. so i picked up the phone to call sarah, but she didn't answer, so i rushed here to blog this down.
it's my life isn't it?up to me to make myself out to be
someone i have this sudden burning desire, this passion to make sure that whatever path i take in life, be it law or not, be it a glamourous high flying job or not, i must be
someone. we should all just face it. doing something you are passionate about for the rest of your life is vital. but if you happen to be doing something which earns big money and
important but not your passion, it wouldn't be that bad, wouldn't it?
so if i don't get to follow my passion, if all possible avenues are closed to me and i am stuck at one mountain top looking at the other, i wouldn't climb all the way down and climb all the way up the other again. i'd go for the next level, and climb to the highest possible peak i can find, that ever exist. and hope that at the end of the day, i'd become a better person than i am now.
currently:
feeling a bit weird
still pissed off about the nail
still worried about the a levels
still wishing i could sort things out between the two of us
on the other hand, to the rational side of me:
so what?i know i said i don't care. but suddenly now i do.
SO WHAT.
i am probably a **** a ***** a *****.
so WHAT.
by the way angst aside, i'm meeting the girls for lunch. which is Godsend. just when i am feeling like whatever i put my hands to i mess up or fail or miss the point entirely, the miracle phone call comes and i am granted a therapy lunch with them.
thanks. i knew YOU'd understand.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
i cannot decide whether my weekend was just plain lousy or downright disastrous.
it was down right disastrous because
zhi told me the a level results are going to be released in about 2 weeks time
i broke a nail , my little finger one on saturday night
and something childish, silly and just so completely immature happened
i lost something
realised i had to do sats
didn't get much sleep because i was too worried about the a level results and preferred course of studies and my dire future in general
plain lousy because there were some small little good things thrown in with all the big bad things that happened:
staying over at zhi's place
having a yummylicious family dinner
spent half a day with you:)
still, i am really worried about my a level results. and no. i refused to get over worrying it because i know it'll never happen (getting over worrying about it i mean)and so i don't want to waste effort trying.
trying to wrestle emotional chaos into some order because i keep getting distracted and it is tough to work when they keep jumping my bones. anyway i am resolved that all these little bouts of emotions won't catch me unguarded again. so resolution: if nothing happens today then so be it. it'll stay that way.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Thursday, February 17, 2005
i would like to:
fix things so that it'll be like two years ago again for us
stop barricading and start feeling
be perfect
find me
silly picture there:)it's an embarrassing photo
evita's itchy naughty fingers taking such sneaky photos
but somehow so personal, don't you think?
it is almost as if i found me, captured in this still, caught unaware and perfect, becasue this is the real me, being myself, unlike other photos where i put on my smile and pretend in my mind that i'm gorgeous and keep my fingers crossed praying i'd turn out looking good in the pictures.
maybe that's why taking neoprints was never my sin
i have to try so hard for every single picture because i know i would be crushed if i turn out looking bad in photos. every single bad photo/neoprint i've taken is agony. and it's not vanity, it's just that every single lousy photo just confirms how unattractive (fat, unglamourous etc) i know i am.
i've only recently conquered my phototaking phobia. my short modelling stint with BHI saw me through this course where this really pretty 'coach' let me in on her secret to being photogenic: confidence.
which i don't possess, in any amounts. so my alternative?acting like i'm someone who has confidence. and now photo taking don't scare me anymore. i don't get stills where i smile and it turns out more like a grimace, or when i attempt a flattering, or so i think, pose and end up looking fat. now i'm glad to announce i look decently human in photos.
but every single photo is still a giganormous effort. i get tired of pretending, and sometimes i'm just not in the mood to pretend. i am not a very good pretender anyway.
heard of MMORPGs?for those who knows what that means, cheers. i'd say my life is one whole massive RPG.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Thursday, February 03, 2005
if i could read your mind i would then i could see what you're thinking all the time. i would know when you're angry when you're angsty when you're just merely irritated whether with or not me; when to intrude when not to intrude, and just when i would
not be intruding. if only i could read your mind, or be just that little bit endowed with telepathy so i can tell and not have to ask whether you're angry or whether i am intruding, then i would never be intruding or make you angry. so if only i had all the powers i wish for then i would never need feel so unwelcome or so insecure or be so clingy.. yeah. so, if only.
so, if only you would try to understand me, then perhaps, i wouldn't need all these if- onlys.
at work now. the ususal thing to do when you take on an office job is to attempt to maintain wakefulness.
some people believe in coffee,
some people believe in work. that
some people makes up 0.000000000000000000 % of the entire working population, the others, like me, believe in food. snacks to be exact.
if you are the slightest bit perceptive and happen to know me very well, you would know by now what this useless post is going to be about.
yeah. getting fat.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
this is the first time i've travelled to work entirely by myself. i feel drained high strung and very irritable for some reason. perhaps i should really appreciate having someone drop me off at the mrt every morning. though it's just a bus ride difference, undertaking the whole journey myself
is exhausting i don't feel like working already. and it is just nine in the morning.sheesh.