Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
this is my blog, and forgive me for doing so, but i have never written an entry about anything else other than myself, and my sorry little existence in the world. so this will be an entry, for those who read this, for those who, after all the years come back into my life, bringing with them a whole wealth of memories, and on my part, so much regrets.
i can never be termed 'nice', neither could i ever be a good person. i do discriminate against all sorts of things, i do bitch, but there is one thing i would never do and that's to backstab. for all my sins, i am glad to be able to say, in good conscience, that i never did once commit that crime. however i do not pretend to be good, i know i could never be nice. but if you ask me now, what i have done to cause you hurt, i know i never did it intentionally, nor am i malicious in nature to do so. we should talk it over soon, don't know if you feel the same way, but our talk has been long in coming. i suspect our 'thing' (haha for lack of word:]) is one whole rif-raf of misperceptions and suspicions, rash actions and reactions, that spiraled out of control, and got blown out of proportion. it doesn't help to know how for a few years, i missed out on a friend, for i read your musings and recognise in the writings a someone i could talk the world with, about silly things and serious things; i am positive we could talk the world away.
memories you say, memories come flooding back. mine was of chicken masala, a grinning face, a red teary face, and slender slender fingers. i don't know why, the most poignant of my memories were of your hands. you'd probably think it gross, but i do remember, most of all, your hands. i don't know if they had change over the years, but slender fingers, short (at that time) and clean nails, unadorned, a smooth but visibly lined palm, dry but not overtly so. i remember a voicemail greeting you recorded, a song both you and your sister sang. i don't remember the song, but i do remember dialing your number a few times to listen to you guys sing on the voicemail greeting. and i remember jewel's hands, how you first introduced that song to me. i wonder if you rememebered all this....or did you just remember all the bad, not the good, or was i always someone bad, and evil to you? i somehow need to find out.....so we should talk soon, call me, if you will, you know where to reach me.
those who've visited my blog and got hit in the face with depression-laced entries; this is just some place i come to let loose that wild, at times angry, most times sad beast in me, and give free rein to dark thoughts which in real life are suppressed and hidden. there's so much more to me than all this. i am spoilt by my blog, all these self-pity trips; perhaps i should put a stop to all these. hmmm.
i know for sure now that is not interested anymore
just like i knew how things would be when got what wants; pulled back in a hurry
it's no wonder i get myself into these scrapes again and again. you know i can't believe myself.
you'd think i should know better by now, than to get my finger tips burnt again with messy volatile things like that. but i am resigned, i am just glad i didn't get anything other than my fingertips burnt this time. truth be told however, i suffering from pangs of, curiously, bittersweet regret, convinced that could be oh so delicious and naughty and exciting.....it is like that candlelight flame, it's so bright, flickering so naughtily, you just reach out again and again to run your hand through it, just because you can do it, just so you can feel the heat of the flame, delicious warmth of a split second, never mind the nagging worry that you'd get burnt pushing insistently at the back of your head.
so right now i am sort of suffering from the what-could-have-beens and agonising and squirming all over the place. i do hope my pretense is holding up, it's like make up. yyou've got to be careful, or you'll find yourself cracking at the edges.
i seek consolation in one thing; youth. perhaps ignorance would fade with years, and i would only become better as the years go by, more attractive more vivacious more of everything good and less of everything bad. by then i would probably be capable of getting what i want. by then, i'll just wait till then.
then would be a time where i come back, sail in and take over and get what i want out of this place, and do what i will with who've crossed my path, and have not tread lightly. and when i have done that i would love to see what the future (by then) has in stall for. what a disturbing thought. the mere thought of the between bowls me over. but do i care? i will get what i want. i must get what i want. and i will.
could be so delicious together. when are looking for love, all looking for is an ability to feel desire.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
ok look here. i have had enough i am leaving and i hope to see which other intern would have my kind of ability, be able to handle administrative work and yet do legal research. yet i must be thankful because without him i would be doing purely administrative work nothing but administrative work and i would have been bored to death here. so i must grit my teeth and try not to disappoint. though i have a feeling no matterhow hard i try all i seem to do is to disappoint.
what can i say?hahahhahahahhaahah i just met the C for lunch and i am in a maniacal mood!!!!!!!!i miss her and her honesty so much. there can be no pretense with the C. it is just not done. she is so.....goood. if there ever was a Good Person Award, you know who it'll go to: the C! of course. well hahaha just like if there was a Naughty Person Award, it'll go to: the M! without any major protests from anyone. i think that's why i love the C so much haha she's the good to my bad. eww that sounds kind of sick doesit not?but who cares i m happy now:] i really am. teehee.
the blogger preface is in chinese again.
as it is my habit, i read through my entries for the past month or so, and realised to my horror, that all the entries were depressing pieces, filled with hopelessness, and a sort of desperation for something to believe in. there is something seriously wrong with me. i don't seem to find anything worth living for, and yet here i am living on and on, day by day, not realising that i have two faces, the inner depresed soul that laments almost everyday on my blog, and the other face that lives day by day, going to work, going out with friends, laughing and joking and fooling around. thre is something seriously wrong me. why is it that on realising how depressing my entries are, i come back to my blog to write yet another depressing entry about my depresing entries?like i said there is something seriously wrong with me. i wish my life was more one dimensional, then perhaps i won't have to think so much, maybe it wouldn't be that bad to be one of those people who do not possess any intelligence, and yet manage to excel because the stupid education system makes it such that people without brains manage to ace their examinations anyway.
well how's that for a depresing entry about depressing entries man.
what the fuck. i am angry with the world and life in the general. i am always depressed. there is something wrong with me. something very wrong.
so do you have a problem with that? i would rather be me, then be someone else, if i want to be angry, i would be angry. FUCK you all who don't understand.
i think my skirt is too tight. my porcine body is spilling out of the sides of my skirt and that makes me feel like vomitting i feel this sudden compulsion to just heave my guts out. i feel so so so sick. ARGH i feel sick
on a happier note, just got off the phone with levina can't wait to see her
i want to for a while, relive all the moments we've spent together as happy kids back in secondary school
i am looking forward to yoga
it's become my time of the week, where i put aside that two hours for myself, just to relax. i think i would love to spend the rest of the night after yoga myself, sitting somewhere quiet, watching the world go by, and find that inspiration i so desperately need inorder to complete my golden point aaward submission
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
have you ever doubted yourself? have you ever realised how evil you are? i need to warn the world against me
i need to tell them what kind of person i am
yet i am afraid
i don't want them to know
i don't want them to not like me or look at me differently
i don't want to be disliked
i should just resolve to not be like that. but somehow my conscience resists that. because deep down inside i know. i know. i really know, that my resolutions; they never follow true.
argh. someone just dig me a hole and shield me from all these trusting souls. i am the scum of the earth. i am lower than all the snakes in the world.
i am a compulsive excuse maker.
and i am good at it.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
there comes a time when each and everyone of us have to make a decision in our lives, that could make or break one's entire life. i am at that decision now. and i think i need to talk it out. i need to think logically, i need to analyse the situation i need to consider my options. i need t speak with the real me so i can make a real decision, not based on what they want, not based on selfish pride.
if i stay i might not be a lawyer, i might not do the double degree, i might be stuck in there forever, miserable, and studying something i know i am nto interested in.
if i choose to leave, debt would descend on my parents, i would be scared. i would be worried, i would be alone, and i might lose everything, i might regret. but i would be a lawyer, i would be doing something i love for the rest of my life, i would be doing something i know i would, not could excell in, i would be away from this miserable place where the people are narrowminded, where universities are places tha breed hypocrisy, where i know i would never be happy.
it all boils down to one thing. money. sometimes i think, perhaps there never was a decision to make. i haven't the money i need to go. i have no choice. i have to stay. perhaps i should face that soon. i don't want to face that. i really don't.
daffodil says:
hi
daffodil says:
i m back
daffodil says:
yes...
minliiiiiiii says:
heyy
minliiiiiiii says:
yeah nothing i am sort of bored
minliiiiiiii says:
and a bit streesssed
daffodil says:
minliiiiiiii says:
hahha
minliiiiiiii says:
cause have work to do what
minliiiiiiii says:
and i am quite full don't know why
minliiiiiiii says:
after the health check i don't feel like gorging myself like usual haha
daffodil says:
too conscious abt the fat level, maybe
minliiiiiiii says:
yeahi guess so
minliiiiiiii says:
are you busy now?
minliiiiiiii says:
if you are then i'll not disturb you
minliiiiiiii says:
hahah i wanted to do part two
daffodil says:
what part 2?
minliiiiiiii says:
of my giant story if you rememeber
daffodil says:
daffodil says:
go ahead
daffodil says:
i will read
daffodil says:
hello... are u still writing to me?
minliiiiiiii says:
yes i am
minliiiiiiii says:
got distracted for a while
minliiiiiiii says:
ok here goes
minliiiiiiii says:
i ended the last time about how litteenee and kreopee were born almost at the same time right?
minliiiiiiii says:
and they were rather peculiar for their own race right?
minliiiiiiii says:
an anorexic giant and a huge pixie
minliiiiiiii says:
one wished himself small, but was larger than an hdb block of flats,
daffodil says:
yup
minliiiiiiii says:
the other wished himself, or rather thought himself HUGE but was infact the size of a daisy
minliiiiiiii says:
i have
minliiiiiiii says:
the writer has mentioned previously that litteenee's father enrolled him in the local school of Pooning right?
minliiiiiiii says:
well,
minliiiiiiii says:
let's see how he's doing there
daffodil says:
ok
minliiiiiiii says:
the last we heard, he was cowering in a corner refusing to soil his fashinable clothes with dirty blue mud from the local forest river
minliiiiiiii says:
anywayy
minliiiiiiii says:
his father, after much pleading from the mother, finally decided that litteenee should not be subjected to this 'torture' anymore.
minliiiiiiii says:
he was allowed to do whatever he wanted and he was removed from the local pooning scene, to put it in a nice way. to put it bluntly,
minliiiiiiii says:
he was laughed out of the pooning scene.
minliiiiiiii says:
kreopee on the other hand,
minliiiiiiii says:
was much blessed he did not have to face what litteenee went through
daffodil says:
minli is more of litteenee or kreopee?
minliiiiiiii says:
hahah i am not sure
minliiiiiiii says:
anyway it is fictional
minliiiiiiii says:
not based on me
minliiiiiiii says:
i think
daffodil says:
u think? that means there is a possibility that u are talking abt yourself
minliiiiiiii says:
no larh there isn't
daffodil says:
:)
minliiiiiiii says:
anyway to continue
minliiiiiiii says:
kreopee on the other hand, did not face as much discrimination as litteenee did
minliiiiiiii says:
for him, the elder pixies looked at his efforts to be giant-ish in bemusement, and thought him a rather silly puffed up youngster
minliiiiiiii says:
who's ego was a large as a dinisaur
minliiiiiiii says:
dinosaur.
minliiiiiiii says:
the other youngsters however, did not spare kreopee
minliiiiiiii says:
they avoided him like the plague and they resolved, under no circumstances, should they engage in any play with kreopee.
minliiiiiiii says:
however, kreopee was hardly an insecure individual
minliiiiiiii says:
he did not really care what his fellow pixies thought, he knew, deep down, in the very recesses of his 'giant' heart, that he was a giant~
daffodil says:
:)
minliiiiiiii says:
litteenee however, wilted under all the negative attention his negative self image caused him
minliiiiiiii says:
he took to playing by himself, avoiding any giant contact,
minliiiiiiii says:
and avoiding any reflection of himself
minliiiiiiii says:
before readers begin to feel absolutely sorrry for litteenee the giant,
minliiiiiiii says:
the writer has to point out that litteenee was
minliiiiiiii says:
infinitely, much happier on his own than around others.,
minliiiiiiii says:
with his mother, and his best friend, there were moments of his childhood, he actually enjoyed, and felt blessed.
minliiiiiiii says:
now both litteenee and kreopee,
minliiiiiiii says:
they were rapidly approaching The Age.
minliiiiiiii says:
for both giants and pixies, there was an age where they were officially considered Adult Pixies and Adult Giants.
minliiiiiiii says:
it was not so much a physical distinction, like humans (oily skin, pimples, hormones raging and all that) it was more of a emotional and spiritual distinction. The Age was an Age the pixies and giants were to step into adulthood
minliiiiiiii says:
and shed their childish notions.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Monday, May 09, 2005
what have i become? i look at the reflections on the bus windows and the glass panel displays and i think to myself. what have i become?
these days i am an empty shell, a hollow discoloured version of my previous self. the vivacity that accompanied my teenage years has faded into this preference for white and black and an overt reluctance to take huge bounds and leaps into the unknown. i am but a shadow of my former sunshine self, a rather frumpy and plain someone who was once inspired and full of life.
along with that went the will and perserverence i thought i possessed, the ability to lift myself up when i am feeling down. these days i am helpless and will-less against mood swings, with every downward trend, i spiral even furthur downwards towards self-destruction.
but along with this also came the blessed state of numbness, a state of 'unfeeling',
dangerous and momentary peace.
i should just head home now, and spend the day sprawled on the couch, eating everything in the house like a wild animal, getting up only to slot in the next vcd episode.
he'd say these are just words, no meanings, just words. and i'd love him all the more for saying it.