Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
the thing with me is that i never get tired of trying. never get tired of contstantly making the first move, whether is it to say sorry for something i know i never did wrong, or to make the first move to call after a drought in our friendship. i never get tired of feeling like i am second place, because the truth is i got this feeling to her i
am second place to so many things in her life: studies, family, him, scholarships. i never get tired of feelinf like this because i know that this is the way life should be; one must get one's priorities straight. but what i cannot help but hope, is that i am somehow as important as any of those things in her life. i don't think i ever did anythign for her that warrants that kind of importance, yet somehow i hope anyway because for me, she warrants that kind of importance, and i don't measure her importance in what she has done for me, rather in what she means to me.
so what i really would like to know, is some form of guarantee, that our friendship owuldn't be one-sided, a burden for her, and futile reaching out for me.
but i guess i would never find out anyway. because i would never get around to asking her, i know she wouldn't have the patience for this.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Thursday, June 16, 2005
someone has told me recently that seperating the happiness and the bliss, from the sadness and the frustration in my life is a rather unhealthy thing to do..
so here i am trying to blog a decent entry about my..rather happy, and well eventful day today. this is going to be one of those senseless entries: somehow i only have something meaningful and important to say when i am sad, depressed, angry, irritated, frustrated, jealous, suicidal, or all of the above rolled into one. other times, when i am happy, feeling blissful, feeling on top of the world, i am entirely at a lack of eloquence, i am made of flighty, candy floss, light, insubstantial things, and my blog entries turn out to be endless ramblings of nothing at all.
anyway thanks darling honeybuncupcake. i had a wonderful day today...after that night, i would say that things got better. we got through today without any major fights:)
went back to the office today to meet the girls. i miss working. and not just working working, but working specifically at ALP, though there is no point harping on it anymore, i have left the place, and won't come back unless i choose to do law.
there is something though, that i have been carrying around with me, and like pimples, it doesn't fade away; it remains, like pimple scars on the skin, only this is forever etched in my soul. are paths ever going to cross again? will call me up one day, just to tell me something about life, to share with me epiphanies, to again discover with me parallels in character, in soul? to be entirely honest, i have been hoping and hoping, could i, be as brave to say that, the of are, in a way, in a cliche way, soul mates? :) there i have got it out of my system...cheers! not bad for a happy day post right?
Monday, June 13, 2005
Monday, June 13, 2005
life has settled into a busy cycle of tuition, amore, and going out. i am constantly assailed by a notion that i have somehow forgotten something; i keep on sitting down with my black book and my favourite pencil to think hard about something i know i have missed, something i have to do, which i somehow lost in the expanse of my memory. after countless futile attempts, and assuring myself that i have indeed already accepted the uni offers and all that, i am resigned to the fact that i might have been all along searching for an aim in my life; that constant sneaky "i need to do something, but can't remember what" suspicion, was just an alarm going off in my brain: you need to find your aim in life!!!
but seriously, who really thinks about their aim in life? i would think no one does, except me that is; i have the TTMS (think too much syndrome) anyway.
there is one thing though, that like a handphone snooze alarm, keeps on popping up in my painstaking deliberation of my life: to remember those friends, who i have made over the years, that i somehow lost contact with. these friends, it is like they are still here with me, but i am losing them, because i have not seen them, or been in touch with them, for so long.
visited aimei the other day at the link, and it hit me again, how much i would love to be part of their lives, and to be privy to the exciting things happening to them, their fun, their joy, and their worries too. those friends who, in a very detached and yet personal way, became an essential part of my years growing up.
these people, are on top of my to-do-list in my black book. i made for myself plenty of reminders, to connect with these treasures again; indeed they are treasures, people with whom i never want to lose contact.
yeah dawnded prawn piglet, six years of friendship is a long long time. and guess what our six years smack of?
haha i think us managing six yearsof friendship smack of witch craft, sorcery and FATE :)
like i said, in a detached, but personal way, you are an essential part of my life.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Saturday, June 04, 2005
there must be a reason for everything in life. even if we do not know the reason, we should just take comfort in knowing there has to be a reason behind everything.
just want her to know that if she goes over, i do hope we can have some communication system in place as soon as possible. though i know our friendship will survive the distance, i can't help but worry because, this will be the first time in like....six years?..that we'll be apart; that is not in the same country, not a phone call away, not a 93 busride away. this time she'll be a lousy email away (if she checks her email), a gazillion hour 747 airflight away.
i guess our friendship was such that i was the dependent one, the one who took more than gave, who relied more than she provided support. i still remember calling her from the airport early in the morning, before i left for the sec three geog aus trip. i was bawling my eyes out because i felt two weeks away from my family and best friend was too much to bear. i remember waking her with my phone call, her irrtation at being awoken so early, her exasperation with this stupid girl bawling her eyes out because of a two week seperation! i look back now, and think it a bit extreme, but right then, i felt as if i would rather die! i really wanted out! but i was already in the terminal by then, no matter how i bawled, they (the policemen at the checkpoints) didn't let me out.
oh well, to quote her, ' i really don't like things now', but what can i do? there has to be a reason for everything...right? i asked Him last night about what i should do, how i should cope, and His answer was this, 'there is a reason for everything.' so i believe.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Friday, June 03, 2005
i must remember this feeling.
it is a wonderful feeling because, i am driven insane, buckling under the full force of my anger and hatred myself, i feel battered and defeated, i feel like i am useless and sadly, biitterly, jealous.
i want to remember this wonderful feeling, bottle it up, and keep it on a chain around my neck. i want to remember this forever, i want to experience this again and again.
i don't ever want to forget this feeling. it will make me better.