Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
i stopped living for a while the other day, just to look at myself and my life so far.
and i think to myself, what a wonderous and wasteful three weeks it has been, and how lost i was during this three weeks, and how by now, i am terribly behind in all my school work.
so i stopped living for a while the other day, just so i so i could see how i have been losing my aim, how i have deviated from those goals i have set with such determination just a while ago.
and i think to myself, it is time now, it is time to wake up and pull right back on track.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Saturday, August 06, 2005
so he is angry with me again. there's this power he has over me, that can drive me to extremes, make me bash the wall with my bare fists, tear out my hair in agony, and fight the overwhelming compulsion to scratch out my eyes.
Anything, i'd cry out to whoever would listen,
give me anything to release the pressure and stress in me..i try and boy do i try so hard, but at the end of the day, he does this to me over and over again, and it is killing me slowly, i lose my voice over and over again, the pressure and stress erupts in fits, fits that occur over and over again. so i am losing my sanity.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
i have moved in the Eusoff hall for a whole three days and am now saddled with a persistent flu virus and some funny throat syndrome that makes me feel lousy all over. hahah though i suspect i am sick because of a certain naughty interesting interlude with the bf, i would much rather like to blame my current sickly condition on hall life. anyway i AM getting used to this no matter what i say and i think i shall reward myself by going home tonight. i miss the mom and the dad, and the mom's cooking so so so much. dont miss the sisters though they visited me last night two silly things clad in my spare rj pe kits
i can feel this excitement building up in me, this desire to make new friends (of course GIRL ones or the sexy boy will complain again)and just throw myself wholeheartedly into studies and activities and do so well i never have any regrets about university life.
life's treating you good? i ask myself that question all the time. the answer was always negative, always depressing, always about myself, about whati want, what i feel, what i need. i asked myself that same question recently, and this time the answer is yes: i am happy, i am content.
these days a state of happiness pervades my being, and no it is not one of those karma/yoga inspired states. it is just you see i have been torn apart, and now that i am put back together, like a newly fixed compass, i find direction in my life. am i overly dramatic?probably am, but who gives a shit, i say what i will!
these days, i am just thanking God for what i have, my family, our health, my close friends, the bf. i wish there was some tangible way i could hold on to them, watch over these important few in my life.
so gradually, i found the ultimate answer to my question: is life treating you well?it lies in the happiness and health of these people, without whom i know i will never have a chance at finding the peace that accompanies this realisation.
i am quite sorry it took me a whopping 18 depression laced years to arrive at this conclusion though.
on second thoughts, what matters is i got here in the end, so i did.:)